Giselle Carson provided a splendid and detailed article in her July Jacksonville Bar column, advising lawyers on how they can be more healthy. Giselle gave a number of various different tips on exercise and nutrition. She explained that doing simple things, like standing at our desks while performing work, can have a tremendous effect on our health. In this column, I will explore the various responses to Giselle’s thoughtful and important article. I will add a number of other suggestions that could have been made by members of our local bar, but in actuality are complete fabrications.
One response we heard repeatedly from many large law firms is that they were concerned that greater emphasis on attorney health could take away from billable hour goals. Brad Johnson summarized that the concern of many firms which hire associate attorneys. “That health stuff is a good idea, but attorneys who spend time on their health are taking time directly away from billing.” Johnson explained that he was on the fence regarding the “health thing,” but promised to conduct his own in-depth review of Giselle Carson’s recommendations, for which he would send the bar association a bill. “On the one hand, associates may spend less time at the doctor if they are healthy; on the other hand exercise is an activity that takes place while the attorney is still awake, yet does not permit billing during the time that the exercise is taking place.” Johnson did admit that the greater health could extend the life of attorneys, thereby increasing long-term billable hour capability. Nevertheless, Johnson observed “even if the attorney is healthy, he or she will eventually die, and dead attorneys don’t bill as much.”
Judge John Merrett explained that he regularly employs one of Giselle’s primary health tips, standing while working. Judge Merrett explained that he stands outside for health reasons, and not because of any prohibition on smoking in chambers. Judge Merrett stated “I find standing and working in the hot summer air to be exhilarating and healthy; any health detriments from car exhaust, or even smoke which may be in the vicinity, are far outweighed by the benefits I get from standing around, as Giselle affirms in her article.” Judge Merrett, an exercise “junkie,” explained that the key is to exercise so that neither your heart rate nor your breathing increases, explaining, “You’ve only got a limited number of breaths in this life, don’t use them up too quickly.” Rick Alexander gave a useful tip for purchasing exercise equipment from television commercials. “That Body-By-Hank stuff can be bought in installments, and when you get tired of it you can still hang your clothes on it.”
Many attorneys focused more on nutrition than exercise. A number of Jacksonville lawyers subsist on little more than distilled water and whole grain, enhanced through fermentation. Karl Green who explained that the life cycle of different products in various vending machines differs. “’Noritos (the Bar wouldn’t let me publish the real name) are far more popular and therefore are switched out more regularly, while one should only buy ‘Cheesos’ during the first part of any given week since they often become stale by Friday.” Karl’s partner, Mark Hardesty gave tips on some popular local lawyer cuisine. He explained that attorneys should always include a vegetable when eating hot dogs around the courthouse. “Get a little relish or slaw on that dog. Ketchup doesn’t really count. Even better, pay a little bit more and get the sausage dog, which is made of far better parts of the pig.” Scott Mitchell gave more courthouse health advice, explaining that the lawyers’ lounge coffee is better earlier in the morning. “By about 10:30, people start sticking more water in the pot to dilute it, but that never works: if the Styrofoam melts even when the coffee is cold, that’s a bad sign.”
A critical health tip was provided by Chief Judge Don Moran. “When you order that rib sandwich, don’t expect that you can just eat it like a regular sandwich. The bread’s just there to soak up the sauce, and if you bite into it like a regular sandwich, you may chip a tooth or something.” Attorneys new to Jacksonville cuisine may not recognize when a sandwich is not a sandwich. The same warning applies to the fried fish sandwiches sold at various events.
While Giselle Carson never directly said that she was against eating meat, the undersigned is among the many suspecting her of closet vegetarianism. Giselle and her ilk should be aware that meat is just animals who have themselves eaten vegetables, and whose bodies have cleansed those vegetables of any bad parts. Fried animal meat is now cooked primarily in vegetable oil, so eating fried food provides even more vegetable value; essentially, vegetables squared.
Jacksonville’s legal community has embraced bits and pieces of Giselle’s important contribution to the Jacksonville bar. It is my hope that Giselle’s advice, as modified by the comments above, assists us in developing a healthier and happier bar in the City of Jacksonville.
Tad Delegal is a member of The JBA Board of Governors, whose writings were appropriately censored under the regime of former president Courtney Grimm, but have now been permitted to be published in this spot by Michael Freed, who has no taste. Tad would like to thank Judge John Merrett for collaborating with him on this article; any portions which may offend you were written by Judge Merrett.
The satirical views of Tad Delegal do not reflect the opinions of The JBA Board or The JBA Generally – They are just Tad’s lame attempts at humor. For a good article on the subject check out Giselle’s original article at http://www.jaxdailyrecord.com/showstory.php?Story_id=534001