Dan Bean is going to write a column.
“I’m a very good writer,” says Dan “Rain Man” Bean. Unfortunately, early into the event, he bumped into a few dangling participles, nominalizations and an overdose of passive voice. We should be OK for the next 30 minutes or so as Dan watches Judge Wapner and “The People’s Court,” while he eats fish sticks and rambles on about how he can get his underwear at Kmart. “Yeah, Kmart. Cincinnati, Ohio.” He is now known around Holland & Knight as “Dan Bean, Idiot-Savant.”
“When you ask him a question, he’ll just mumble phrases to himself like that guy in the movie ‘A Beautiful Mind,’ ” co-worker Alan (not Scott) Wachs said. “And then he’ll come into your office and answer the question you asked about 30 minutes ago. But, man, get him in a boardroom and that creep can take a deposition like you would not believe! I think I will take him to Las Vegas next week for some, uh, ‘depositions.’”
Such is the ephemeral nature of Dan Bean’s cognizance to his surroundings at large. But enough about Dan let’s talk about you. What do you think about Dan?
Time to dive into Law League basketball, which has reached the midpoint in the season. Akerman Senterfitt’s “B” team stands atop the standings undefeated due to some creative scheduling at the commissioner’s office to create the illusion of parity. It won’t last long. (In fact it didn’t because they lost to team Pitney Bowes... Holland & Knight last week – so much for Robert staying on top of things).
Let’s just say this. Akerman “B’s” schedule is softer than David Lamb’s midsection after a month-long binge at Cross Creek. Cameron Story is bound to have a season-ending meltdown because of the amateurism being practiced by the referees, and Jay Brown will, at some point, put himself in the lineup. Can someone play “Taps” on Akerman “B’s” MP3 player for me? Once that happens, a first-round playoff defeat is around the corner. Thank goodness old man John MacDonald isn’t playing. Close your eyes for a second and imagine . . . no wait, you just ate. Ever wonder why Akerman is so competitive despite the obvious firm height restrictions. Any wonder why they limit campus recruiting to Oz?
Trailing by half a game is Better Tritt, Smith Hulsey and, who would have guessed it, Akerman “A.” Like we said at the beginning of the season, count on Better Tritt to be there at the end. Erik Berger is chugging along for MVP honors because he is so “loooong.” David Dearing is bound to start making lay-ups. Those guys turn it up whenever they want to. Tritt has been letting teams hang around and have gone into an early season funk because they are too wrapped up in the meaning of Jay-Z’s lyrics “H to the Izzo. V to the Izzay.” If anyone knows what this means, please advise.
While Dearing is starting to cure his lay-up ills (a couple hundred workers compensation referrals brought him out of his funk), Brigham Moore’s Bruce Humphrey is finding it might be easier to shoot the three-ball. In one game, Humphrey missed his first five lay-ups. And we’re not talking about those contested types. We’re talking nobody is within the zip code and if I miss I’ll get another crack at it type of lay-ups. The opposing team was finally merciful enough to foul Humphrey on his next attempt so as to prevent Humphrey from making an emergency appointment with Dr. Phil.
Smith Hulsey keeps chugging along with a team concept that reminds one of the Temple Owls under their coach, John Chaney. So much so, that Coach Steve Moore is starting to take on that, “I have either been dead for six months and I am decomposing or I have been on a three-month bender, you choose” look of the Temple coach. We are not making this stuff up people. Smith Hulsey could run into trouble because rumors are swirling that Patrick Coll, like LeBron James, received a Hummer in high school. The Florida High School Athletic Association is looking into the matter.
Holland & Knight has been making some noises although I think there are only two guys from Holland & Knight on the entire team. The team should appropriately change the name of the team to Pitney Bowes because the starting five consists of the copying company that provides independent contractor services to Holland & Knight.
Hang on a minute. My mentioning Holland & Knight has Dan distracted and he is now trying to frantically set some depositions. OK, he’s better now. Dan is now standing in the corner bumping his head into the door and repeatedly saying, “Quantas never crashed.” When he does that, I swear he is a dead ringer for Dustin Hoffman with a thyroid problem. (Or maybe it was Tootsie). I’ll go look for his protective football helmet in a couple of minutes.
So this all means that Tritt, Smith Hulsey, Holland & Knight, Akerman “B” and Akerman “A” may all end the season with tied records and with no basis to determine which two teams get the free pass to the semis. Dan and I have decided the only fair way will be through various forms of bribes and payola. It goes without saying that this appears to throw Tritt and Akerman “A” into the forefront.
There are other teams in the league, but because none of them call in their games, there is nothing we can say about them.
Of course, my team deserves no mention whatsoever. Oh for the year! Good times! We have decided to spend the playoffs repeatedly punching ourselves in the face as that would be less painful. Our shoddy record is really my fault. Sure, Bram Scharf is vertically challenged and Alan Mizrahi has an assist to turnover ratio of about 1 to 34, but we really started going downhill after our first timeout in our first game. Scharf wanted to discuss moving from zone to man-to-man, but then I threw out the query as to whether anyone else has seen the new “Leave It To Beaver” movies on The Disney Channel. It got us distracted, especially when I offered that the new June Cleaver is smoking hot. (Of course she isn’t any hotter than Heather Graham — yada, yada, yada.) We haven’t been the same since. Who knew? But you know what I really enjoy about the basketball league is wearing the skin-tight spandex shorts. Oh sure, I tell people I wear them to prevent muscle pulls; but frankly I never take them off.
Gotta run. Dan is snapping out of it and I want him to perm my hair. He may do weird things, but when it comes to styling a ‘do’ the man is pure genius. We think the whole Brady Bunch hairstyle is going to be all the rage within the next six months and we want to be on the edge. If you need proof, just check out what the Kelly Tripuka perm has done for Pete Nicandri’s career.