Mother Nature, quiet through the first half of the season, has served notice that the hurricane season is officially upon us as two of the last three softball nights have been washed away. Regardless of the weather, and like night follows day, the JBA sports column must go to press. And so it goes.
Before we turn our attention to the all-consuming softball diamond, however, our focus moves to a couple of attorneys who apparently have not suffered enough self-mutilation on the job and chose to hurt themselves on the weekend competing in the Beaches Extreme Adventure Race. Laura “Dr. Laura” Bock-Bock-Bock-Boeckman, law clerk to The Honorable Harvey E. Schlesinger, Susan Haag of Spohrer, Wilner, Maxwell & Matthews, John Sawyer and Troy Smith (the latter of Folio single ad fame) from Rogers Towers each competed in the most recent Jacksonville version of the X Games. “It was the most grueling experience [excepting of course getting a proposed Order approved by the Boss], I have ever been through,” Boeckman said.
Judge Schlesinger did voice some concern that his intellectual law clerk decided to play in the mud all day, but figured she needed to toughened up before becoming a prosecutor. Next up for Boeckman is Ironman (note it’s not “Ironwoman”) Florida in November.
His Honor is also due for some recognition for conducting his 100th Wedding Ceremony a few weeks back. No, he did not receive a set of steak knives. Amazingly, only two of all the marriages he has officiated have ended in a divorce, proving yet again he is the best mediator in town. His most recent ceremony was for one of his former law clerks, and for any of you thinking it might be neat to have Judge Schlesinger marry you and your “sweetie pie,”he said his notary license expired last week.
Finally, do not worry that The Honorable Timothy J. Corrigan’s pending lifetime appointment may have an adverse impact on his refereeing during the JBA basketball season in the spring of 2003. “I wouldn’t miss giving old man John Tucker a technical foul for anything in the world,” said Judge Corrigan. “Besides there is no appellate rights on the basketball court.”
Refocusing on the action on the diamond, Strikebreaker Eric Berger’s stock has been on the rise. And it sure ain’t because he’s playing stellar ball. Berger has been enjoying the attention of some post-game groupies. The only problem is that the groupies may not be able to get into any of Berger’s favorite post-game watering holes without the assistance of a bogus driver’s license. It should become easier for them in the future as soon as they lose all of their baby teeth.
Perhaps the biggest scandal of the softball season has been in the post game activities. In seasons past, most of the teams would retire to the parking lot of the American Heart Association for some loose talk and their favorite post-game beverage. The build-up of the empty bottles apparently drew the ire of the organization, and it constructed a fence to keep the loitering barrister’s from having a convenient meeting place to tell lies about their exploits on (and off) the field.
This forced the players to use the parking lot of the actual playing facility, San Jose Elementary School, as a spot to meet for adult beverages. This practice was quickly put to a halt by hallroom monitor, Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife, who informed the police of this practice. Consequently, the frugal barristers are forced to trek a few miles to local establishments. And they have to pay FULL PRICE! This begs the question as to why the State Attorneys have a team in the league. If they cannot use those cool badges for allowing people to assemble and air their grievances, then what good are they?
Speaking of the Bill of Rights, we know there is something somewhere in that document about freedom of speech. (Dan “Deke” Bean thinks it’s the Second Amendment but Robert “The Dude” Devine swears it’s found in the Third Amendment.) Regardless, there must be some loophole with respect to obtaining a prior restraint on Hit & Run coach Scott Schildberg and his e-mails that can only be properly characterized as spam. After every game, Schildberg sends e-mails about his team’s exploits. Perhaps the largest offense is that he ends his e-mails with “TTFN (Ta Ta For Now).” OK. It’s a given that Tigger of Winnie the Pooh fame has made some headway into the collective American psyche. But, we ask you, is that an appropriate way for an adult male to address other adult males? That’s just plain creepy.
Has anyone seen Arnold Tritt?
Stay tuned for next month’s column when we will provide penetrating analysis on the pending JBA softball playoffs like no other media outlet.