First, a reminder that the Law League schedule games remain on Wednesday nights until Monday, April 8, 2002. Contact your coach for the amended schedule that was published in late February. Hello . . . McFly?
In unrelated events, in a rare Tuesday night tilt played sans referees and substitutes, The Judges (2-0) defeated Bitter Tritt (1-2). Although the local high school teams have voiced displeasure that the Law League apparently scheduled a game for a non-Wednesday night, the commish’s office has been forced to look for alternative funding to buy nets for The Bolles School.
In keeping with the spirit of the last paragraph, we have completed three weeks of the season and the trash talking is flowing at a steady volume.
To begin with, Stutsman & Thames (1-2) team leader Allison Miller apparently has had enough anonymity. Even though she was mentioned prominently as a potential one-on-one nemesis of Akerman A (3-0) guard David Otero in the basketball season preview, Miller contacted “Beaner & Bobhead” for a little extra pub.
And she pushed the right buttons.
Miller intimated to Bobhead that she heard she needed to harass the two columnists in order to get some much needed ink. Beaner and Bobhead love to hear the word “harassment.” (Cue track of Beavis & Butthead type laughter). Although Miller has not fulfilled her promise to deliver some much-needed punishment toward Beaner & Bobhead, we nevertheless stand ready, willing and able to say, “Thank you, ma’am, may we have another.” Allison, you tease.
Miller’s teammate, Richard Thames has also impressed his opponents with his sharp tongue. “If his game was only as good as his mouth, wow, they might make the playoffs,” Smith Hulsey (3-0) coach Stephen Moore said. “Even losing by 25 points did not seem to phase him.”
Guilty as Charged (2-1) mainstay Ernst Bell made headlines in the season opener with his rejection with extreme prejudice of a shot taken by an opponent from the State Attorneys. After sending the shot from whence it came, Bell taunted the opponent with the classical, “got that —— out of here!” exclamation.
We are certain you are thinking, “sure, it might be a little over the top to taunt after a block but such behavior has been woven into the tapestry of the game in recent years throughout the pro and college ranks.” But did we fail to mention that Bell’s taunts were directed toward a female (Cheyenne Palmer) opponent who stands maybe 5-foot-5? After receiving the technical, Bell cried foul. “That doesn’t deserve a technical. I do that all the time to players in the 70 and Over Shooting Oldies Ladies League all the time and never get rung up!”
The State Attorney Junior Varsity (1-2) (Shawn Arnold’s words) coach Bram Scharf telephoned to inform the Commish’s office that the squad voted for “Out for Justice” versus “Harry’s Heroes” as the official team nickname. No official word on the vote count; however, Scharf said off the record that the vote “was not that close.”
Big McGuire (0-3) stumbled out of the blocks despite the Public Defender’s (1-1) Casey Stripling’s quick exit from the season opener and drawing the aging Judge Schemer’s squad in Round 2. Nevertheless, manager Scott Murphy said the recent loss to Judge Schemer’s club should not come as a surprise. Apparently Big McGuire has a couple of contested cases on the April state court trial docket. Judge Schemer’s team has also been successful in obtaining the services of Hank Coxe. The deal almost fell through when Bolles’ officials objected to Coxe having lit cigarettes dangling from his mouth during play for fear that an ash would burn a hole in the wood flooring. Coxe almost walked, but the Schemer squad was able to coax him back by putting Coxe on the “patch” during the games. For the record, Coxe uses the “Step 1” version of the patch because it allows the maximum amount of nicotine into his system. Coxe is rumored to triple the amount of patches he will wear come playoff time.
There is real trouble in Akerman world. The junior varsity coaching tenure of Jay Brown may be over. Akerman B (1-2) had the easiest schedule in the world thanks to a little extra bonus payment to the Commish’s office; however, we cannot fix the game for them too. According to players Mike Marino, Pete Nicandri and Sam Maroon the problem rests squarely between the ears of Brown. “He may look like Pat Riley, but he thinks x’s and o’s are reserved for tic-tac-toe,” said Maroon. Brown may have received a temporary stay of execution with a victory last week over Stutsman. Someone also needs to tell Brown that the Del Harris look-alike glasses are not helping his game management.
On the surface, things may appear calm for Akerman A (3-0); however, festering beneath the surface is an unhappy Alan Pickert. Apparently Pick has been unable to overcome the shock of being initially placed on the junior varsity squad. “You labor with a group of guys for ten years and you would think that might mean something,” Pick said. “But no, Pete Larsen, of all people, still gets the majority of the playing time.” In a cap-saving deal, the rumor is Otero, Larsen, and player/referee Cameron Story will be traded for Nicandri. Apparently the deal would free both cap space and playing time.
Bitter Tritt (1-2) has been slow to rebound from its painful loss to the Florida Coastal Guppies (3-0) in the 2001 League Championship played three weeks ago. According to player/manager (heavier emphasis, yes heavier, on the manager role) Arnold Tritt explained his team could not find an open date from May 2001 until February 2002 to schedule the championship.
Final Judgment’s (0-2) John Tucker claims this may well be his last hurrah. “I think he has forgotten how old he is,” an anonymous judicial source who is not used to being overruled said. “On the plus side, he is younger than Judge Schemer.”
Lynn Murphy was not shy about isolating the blame for the Litigators (1-2) mediocre start. “Robert George and Geddes Anderson, doesn’t that just about explain everything?” “Don’t forget the loss of the turncoat (David Barksdale),” hubby Niels Murphy chimed in. Of course, Niels Murphy also was the one who said, with a straight face, that his team was close to knocking off Florida Coastal, and was, at one point, within eight points of the lead. Ah, Niels, you lost by more than 30. You were “as close as eight points” when you were down 8-0 just 30 seconds into the game.
In a bid to shake things up, Holland & Knight (0-3) cut Joe Camerlengo. Team sources said that “Joey Cancer” was having an ill-effect on team morale. Also team officials are privately hoping that Ray “Sgt. Tackleberry” Driver’s injury does not heal until the season is over. Team manager Brendan Rager was apparently none too pleased with the officiating in the loss to the Litigators, claiming that he “would not trust the Law League Refs to run a Dairy Queen franchise for a day.” Rager’s post-game tirade went on; “I do not believe the referees would know a walk in the sixth hour of the NYC Marathon.” Needless to say, Rager’s comments are being reviewed by league officials and will, of course, be subject to some form of a monetary fine which we will immediately pocket.
Talking about the officials, Beaner & Bobhead have reffed two contests so far and would like to extend our sincere appreciation to the following players who have corrected our blown calls: Eric Berger, Ernst Bell, and Jeff Moody. Hopefully there will not be any more corrections; however, I cannot promise that Bobhead will appear for duty clean and sober.
Finally, here’s a shout out to all those folks that have grown weary of seeing the same old lazy Greyback Gorilla at the Jacksonville Zoo. For those of you looking for a slight change of pace, c’mon out to the law league games every Wednesday night at The Bolles School gym. For those teams that wear tank top jerseys, you are likely to see a similar amount of back hair for a much lower price. More wax, please!