by Daniel Bean and Robert Devine
(I don’t know if you have figured it out, but Dan and I have been “tinkering” with different column formats to best display my writing talents and his lack of the same. This month, we decided to let Danny Boy take the lead. Of course, I could not help myself so my response commentary to Dan’s writings are in italics)
Candidly, I cannot fathom all the fuss my dear friend Devine makes over Heather Graham. When he mentions her name in my presence, which he does often, two words come to mind, “over” and “rated.”
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! In the words of Pat Riley, How about a 20-second time out here! I don’t have a Graham “Jones”! I was merely offering the observation that Graham has slowed down after a great start to her career. By the way, thanks to the calls and letters of people that wanted me to know that Graham was fantastic as Felicity Shagwell. Counsel withdraws his baseless comments on Graham. I owe Pete Nicandri lunch. Back to you, Dan.
Like Notre Dame football, Graham is more bark than bite. What has she done? Frankly her acting pales in comparison to Pamela Anderson in “Barbed Wire” or Anna Nicole Smith in her hit television show “Anna Nicole.”
As you can see, Dan is partial to the actress genre that includes drug-induced hepatitis C stupors. You just can’t act that, can you? And, Dan, aren’t you really talking about the Anderson-Tommy Lee video?
However, I must admit Devine did receive a tremendous response from our faithful female readers after last month’s column hailing the great works of Miss Graham. While we initially estimated we had approximately four female readers of this column, we can safely say the number has ballooned to eight. Thank you all for your responses – it means a lot. No, no, it really does.
What Dan leaves out is that the responses confirmed that our readership is dwindling, rather than increasing.
In other Hollywood related news (notice the seamless transition) Devine and I are also moving along with our plans for a new reality based television show entitled “Joe Barrister.” We will sequester five lucky attorney bachelorettes at an unnamed secluded motel on Philips Highway, and let each of them take their shot at wooing the tremendously wealthy personal injury attorney bachelor. The gut-wrenching surprise will come at the end when the lucky bachelorettes find out that Joe Barrister is not a wealthy personal injury attorney but rather a grind-it out SocialSecurity attorney who limits his fee to $250 per client. Of course that means that Eric Berger will play our hunky bachelor.
We are thinking the ruse will work better if it is sponsored by either Harrell & Johnson, Pajcic & Pajcic, Eddie Farah, or Brown, Terrell, Hogan, Ya-da-ya-da-ya-da. That can defray the costs of the Fleabag Motel and the sponsoring firm could have the added benefit of having Berger pretend he is a fat-cat from their firm.
Talking about Berger (again, notice the seamless transition), he was a prominent force in The Jacksonville Bar Association Law League Football Championship contest with one catch for two yards and no tackles. Despite Berger’s best efforts, the State Attorneys exercised some long standing demons by defeating arch-rival Better Tritt 17-14.
And this is the point where you can actually hear the windrush of the precipitous drop on the Nielsen ratings on this column. I have yet to convince Dan that readers who read our sports column would rather it not have any sports.
The State Attorneys, led by pilot Brian Wright, jumped out to a 14-0 lead in the first half; however, could only manage a 35 yard field goal by Doug Dorsey, which turned out to be the game winner, the rest of the way. Although not available for comment after the game because he was too busy combing his junior Jimmy Johnson-like hair, I am certain that State Attorney coach Doug Dorsey would have said, “This victory means a lot to us. Some of the older guys on the squad, i.e. Ernst Bell, Jeff Moody, could not quite get it done the past few years, but we finally stocked the roster with some guys that can play.”
Speaking of getting older, Moody should remember that Clairol hair color commercial with the jingle, “I’m gonna wash that gray right out of my hair!”
Better Tritt, led by aging quarterback Joe Camerlengo, aging wide receivers Ed McCarthy and Chris Puleo, mounted a fierce comeback and closed the gap to 17-14 in the second half. In fact, Better Tritt had a shot at tying the game late in the second half and sending it into overtime when Camerlengo lined-up for a 25 yard field goal attempt.
My only question about this point in the game: Was this before or after Camerlengo was in severe gastric distress?
While Better Tritt sailed through the season undefeated, all the veteran JBA Law League football analysts knew that the Better Tritt kicking game had not been the same since the retirement of the kicker that immediately preceded Camerlengo. The consistency provided by that humble guy was obviously taken for granted because I, for the life of me, cannot recall his name.
For those of you still awake, that humble guy was Dan Bean. Apparently, he has exorcised his ground-ball field goal attempt earlier in the season from his memory.
Anyway, back to Camerlengo lined up to drill the game-tying field goal in the championship game. The snap was perfect. The Better Tritt offensive line stuffed the State Attorney’s defensive rush up the middle. The hold was perfect. Camerlengo’s three step approach — again, perfect. The kick was not perfect — wide left. I mean WIDE.
Wide? I believe I distinctly heard the sound effect that was made when someone chose the wrong door on the game show “Let’s Make A Deal.” Wha-wha-wha-wha! Watching that kick was as tough to take as seeing the big scene in “The Crying Game.”
Camerlengo may attempt to rebut our allegations by contending that Better Tritt lost because Devine and I played for them. That would be a gross distortion of the truth. I was in one for play when Camerlengo threw the ball over my head and it was intercepted by tax guy Mike Zima. Devine was in for a few more plays than me, but only because everyone enjoyed watching him run around in those black lycra tights he has made famous. Have you noticed how much weight he has lost? And the new glasses? Simply scrumpous.
They are not tights! They are form-fitting pants especially designed for football to prevent pulled groins! Ever try to carry a litigation bag with a pulled groin?!
All is not lost for Better Tritt. It is still the reigning Jacksonville Bar Association Basketball champs. (Again, notice the seamless transition.) Basketball season is due to start as soon as negotiations with Bolles/Episcopal/Providence are concluded. With the amount of billable hours Devine and I are putting into this project you would think we were negotiating with France and Germany to provide a missile shield to Turkey. Get your teams together play will start soon. See ya.