I quit.
Why not? Everyone else seems to be doing it.
Take the 2001 version of the Jacksonville Bar Young Lawyer’s Section flag football season. Things started out so well, so promising.
“Sure, Rob, we would like to field a team–count us in,” I often heard. Unfortunately, this season will be known as the one where the number of touchdowns were actually exceeded by the number of forfeits.
The problem began with Public Defender’s Office, which goes by the alias of “The Outlaws.” Then Foley & Lardner followed suit to announce that, after three aborted attempts at trying to field a team for games, it was going to bag the season.
The Outlaws’ departure from the league was of little surprise given that they have perennially battled it out with Big McGuire (McGuire Woods) for the Toilet Bowl, the game that determines the team who finishes last in the law league. Foley’s lack of players actually goes back to a seemingly innocent comment made by coach and team organizer Chuck Bennett. Prior to the season starting, Bennett contacted the commissioner’s office to advise that Foley would like to field a team, but it was still looking for players to round out its roster. I told Bennett that there were some guys at the Florida Coastal School of Law (FCSL) that were looking for a team to join.
And that’s when it happened.
“That sounds great,” Bennett e-mailed. “If you have any young studs that you know about, send them my way.”
OK, Chuck, I’ll pass that message along.
Maybe I should have edited his comment when I queried the players, but I didn’t because such an unfortunate comment deserves exploitation. Pretty soon, Bennett’s recruiting message took on the tone of a Folio Weekly personal ad for Bennett seeking playmates for a game of touch, and, hey, if you’re interested, be sure to bring along a CD of The Village People’s Greatest Hits to set the mood. Two hands below the waist guys! That’s it! Perfect!
Nevertheless, the league has kicked off and is well into the season. The usual suspects are hanging around at the top. The State Attorneys, FCSL and Akerman Senterfitt are enjoying perfect records going into the last month of the regular season. The State Attorney’s climb to the pinnacle happened despite a coaching change when Ernst Bell stepped down in favor of Alan Mizrahi. In his resignation, Bell said he was stepping down to spend more time with his family. Insiders have intimated, however, that Bell’s “resignation” was more of a smoke-filled room deal hammered out by Harry Shorstein to change the “image” of the franchise.
Pajcic & Pajcic is moving along with only one loss thanks to the help of former Florida State running back Dexter Carter. Gary Pajcic has advised that Dexter is legal because he is now a runner with the firm. Gary Pajcic also calls Dexter Carter by another name, but the league has not been fooled. Funny, though, the only running he is doing is for the firm on law league game nights. Message to Gary and Curry “the Governor” Pajcic. Get my name in the next edition of Profiles & Precedents and I’ll look the other way no matter who you sign to your team for the playoffs.
Fighting for the last playoff spot are the Medical Scrubs and Better Tritt with possible challenges from Smith, Hulsey & Busey and Bray Singeltary. My how the mighty have fallen. Better Tritt, with a rather pedestrian .500 record after spending several years at the top of the standing, is struggling for playoff survival. I haven’t seen this much decay from an aging team since the old and overweight Trojans got lazy and got deep-sixed by the Ottoman’s.
Flirting with mathematical elimination are the bean counters at KPMG. Finally, Big McGuire is battling it out for last place once again with the Outlaws and Foley & Lardner. That’s right, Big McGuire is tied for last place with two teams that have folded. Something tells me that Big McGuire has at least one or two touchdowns in its future when it plays the teams that will not be showing up. All bets are off, though, if David Wells is the quarterback.
The season started off with a barrier being broken. Better Tritt signed Cheryl Miede to a contract as the only current female in the league. It brings back memories of the time when a teenage Helen Hunt made a movie about a girl playing football on an all-boys team. The desegregation of the league has changed the hearts and minds of many. Arnold Tritt told Miede, “you make me want to be a better man.” For those of you that know Tritt, this is a daunting task.
Miede paid dividends right away with a key interception in a game against the Pajcics in the season opener. After she made the play, co-commissioner Dan Bean helped her off the ground and then gave Miede a slap on the . . . Congratulations, Dan. We’re all glad to see the sexual harassment cases that you are overseeing in federal court have taught you a lesson. After the game, I gave Dan my business card. After this column, Miede might be getting Patty Dodson’s business card. Hey, I’m all for making this league co-ed and treating everyone the same, Dan, but jeez.
Check in next month to see how it all turns out. That is if anyone shows up for the playoffs.