Good afternoon and welcome once again to KLAW, talk radio for lawyers. You’re on the air.
“Good afternoon and thanks for taking my call. I was taught in law school to be meticulous and because I’m out of a job and I don’t sleep much I’ve been watching the World Cup soccer matches from South Korea. Well, what really bugs me is the way they report the goal scoring. What is this “they scored in the 48th minute” stuff? How imprecise is that? You would think with all our modern technology we should know exactly the time of the goal. And then at the end of the game, the refs add extra time to the game without telling anyone exactly how much? Doesn’t this drive you crazy?”
No, I kind of like it. But I have some idea why you’re unemployed. Let’s go to the next caller. Hi, you’re on the air.
“Thanks for taking my call. I’ve been reading all about David Boies, the now-famous lawyer for Al Gore, Napster, Tyco and all. There’s all this criticism about him that he’s spread too thin . . . that it even appears in court that he’s just sort of making it up as he goes along? What are your comments about that?”
I don’t understand your concern. Next caller.
“Hi, my name is Brian and I’ve been a lawyer now for four years at one of the large downtown firms. I’m sitting here in the firm library with the other six other new hires, and we were wondering if you could describe for us what an actual courtroom looks like?”
I guess those naughty senior partners are at it again Brian. Since the late 1980s state and federal budget cutbacks, there are no more courtrooms. Don’t tell me you young litigators are still falling for the promise of getting to try cases some day. Next caller.
“This is Sally. I was wondering if it’s OK to bring your work home with you? I’ll hang up and listen.”
Of course. How else are you going to spend any time with your family and still reach your billing quota? Sally, the more important question is how do I bill my “home” time? Here are a few suggestions. You bill the full rate for reading depositions at home. Fairness and the code of professional ethics require, however, that you provide a discount if you are reading the deposition while breast-feeding or watching television. Your local cable provider (unless already in bankruptcy) can supply you with a list of recommended discounts, ranging from a 75 percent discount for all Animal Planet and Food Channel shows to a 10 percent discount for Nickelodeon or Disney reruns. The bar association recommends a blended rate for sporting events. Hi, you’re on the air.
“Am I on? Oh hello. I’ve been an estate planning attorney for 27 years and I just received my first court-appointed case. I was wondering if you could tell me the best way to defend a first degree murder case?”
Give the client $20,000 and refer him to a lawyer. Next call.
“Hi. Have you heard the one about the lawyer who. . .”
Next call.
“I read recently that the Supreme Court of the United States in the last 10 years has written opinions that on average are 75 percent longer than opinions written in any other decade in the history of the country. What accounts for that?”
Steroids. Have you seen the pictures of Justice Souter then and now?
— Mitch Margo is an attorney in St. Louis and a member of The Levison Group, which provides columns for this newspaper.
He may be reached at [email protected].