Like most of you out there, we here at the Jacksonville Bar Law League Commissioners office are still reeling from the deepening gloom of the announcement that Hank Coxe would not give in to the urgings of Florida Bar big wigs, the Queen of England and Britney Spears to take a run at president of The Florida Bar. Not since Mario Cuomo stiffed the Democratic National Committee for the presidency has an entire collective psyche been so damaged.
And now this.
Coxe nails McGuire Woods with the double-whammy by refusing their offer to be Big Mac’s starting quarterback in law league football. I am sure that new coach Bill Adams was at least as disappointed as the time when he found out the new Hilary Swank movie had no nudity. It was bad enough for Adams to convince former signal-caller and inventor of the “skip” pass, David Wells, to give up his iron-fisted grip on the job.
“I went to SMU, and let me tell you,” said Adams, “I had an easier time getting those debs to surrender their Neiman Marcus shopping cards during a clearance sale on Donna Karan and Ferragamo shoes.”
Eventually, Adams prevailed. But Wells wanted full control over the selection of the new quarterback. Wells instituted a no “wise-ass” rule, which eliminated Adams from consideration. Next, he wanted to make sure there was generational consistency. Wells wanted a quarterback with experience, wisdom and a little tread on the Michelin’s. So Wells insisted that the next Big Mac quarterback had to be at least 50. Coxe was on Wells’ short list along with Bill Sheppard, Bernie Nachman, Ray Erhlich and the senior Bill Adams (not the coach of the Big Mac team) at McGuire Woods, and several standing members of the Vintage Lawyers Association. Wells allowed some people who barely met the profile as well, but Gary Pajcic was already calling signals for Pajcic & Pajcic, and Pat Coleman was eliminated when it was learned he attended Duke and Vandy, where no one with any athletic talent has ever graduated.
So it came down to Coxe. It seemed perfect, he could still walk, had a fine head of hair for the team photo, and he could take smoke breaks in the huddle, at least until the new anti-smoking amendment goes into effect. But for the second time in a month, Coxe left them all hanging like a Don Mairs softball toss. Not surprisingly, this has put Big Mac into such a funk that no one knows how well they are playing this year, except that we all know they are losing. By a lot.
On the other end of the spectrum, Better Tritt and Medical Scrubs are off to a fast start and are tied for first place with perfect records. Trailing closely behind are Akerman Senterfitt, Florida Coastal and Pajcic & Pajcic. The State Attorneys have had surprising difficulty early on, but experience an upturn when Brian Wright is behind center. Smith Hulsey, like most of their collective dating experience, are still trying to score for the first time, already one-third of the way through the season.
But on to more pressing topics. Unlike other columns that fill this space and usually overcome the reader through oxygen deprivation from the sudden jerk of the head backwards like a double-dose of Sominex, the commissioner’s office actually gets mail. Oh sure, it’s fake mail, but mail in the minds of Bean and Devine is mail nonetheless.
Here’s a taste:
Dear Chauvinists:
Once again, there are no women lawyers playing law league football even though Allison Miller applied to be placed on a team. What’s the problem here? She can bench-press David Otero and can chug a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in six seconds flat. Could it be true that a group of educated lawyer’s are engaging in discrimination?—Jacksonville Womens Lawyers Association.
We at the commissioner’s office are as disturbed by this turn of events as you. We had thought that more women would participate since Dan Bean and his routine practice of slapping behinds retired, thus ending the specter of sexual harassment on the gridiron. But unfortunately, Miller was the only one interested, and after her physical play in basketball, quite frankly, the players were scared. We encourage JWLA to field a team of their own next year.
Dear Carl Spackler:
Are you guys educationally stunted? Because your columns read like a rejected script for Caddyshack III. You guys sound like two ninth graders conversing while in detention.
— Coalition for less Sophomoric Humor in the Sports Column
Bean: How do you make that noise again?
Devine: OK. Cup your hands like this. You may have to spit in them to create suction, and then, just do this.
Bean: [making funny noise] Cool! It sounds like a . . .
Devine: [Looks up innocently] Oh, sorry. [punches Bean on shoulder] His question is over, we have to answer now! C’mon let’s get serious!
Rob Devine has slightly more education than Jethro’s sixth grade education in “The Beverly Hillbillies.” Dan Bean has a real live certificate of completion from Vandy! We do share the common characteristic of taking the Kuder Preference Test in high School. It’s that test that predicts what career you should enter. Devine was best suited to be an “underachiever.” It predicted Bean with be a “gluteal-kissing sociopath.” So we guess those tests are accurate.
Dear Board of Governor lackies:
I would really appreciate it if you guys would refrain from making funny noises and stop playing the paper football game when I am conducting Board of Governors meetings
— Bill Joel
That wasn’t us. That was Kelly Mathis and Jim Moseley, Jr. [Bean and Devine giggle uncontrollably to each other].
Dear Commissioners:
You guys think you’re so funny. But, in reality, you’re just mean. You should really think about the feelings of the people you write about.
— Anonymous Person Previously Lampooned in Your Column
Gosh. We never really thought about making people feel bad. We don’t know what to say except for . . . we don’t care!
Dear current commissioners not as good as past commissioners:
I hear Gordon Fenderson is still playing for Florida Coastal. Hasn’t he been on that team for, like, five years? And as a followup, has he signed with an agent? Just wondering.
— Joe Camerlengo
We were curious about that, too, as Fenderson’s driver’s license indicates he is 47-years old. We have confirmed that Fenderson is an FCSL student but is going to law school under the six-year plan. He’s spending his spare time hoping to latch on with the Jacksonville Tomcats. And, yes, he is a free agent looking for an agent.
Dear Xavier Hollander:
I had not been to a Jacksonville Bar function for a few months and I saw some guy with Devine’s name tag on it but it did not look like the fat, bald guy’s face in the column. This dude was kinda hot, allowing for a six-shot Jagermeister visual adjustment and grading on a curve based on advanced age! On the other hand, Bean does still look like the unholy spawn of Howdy Doody and Alfred E. Neuman.
— Sherri Worman
It’s not easy going from Costanza to Dr. Mark Green from “ER.” Devine went on a rigorous transformation after being mistaken for George Costanza. It was a combination of hair plugs, botox injections, liquid diet coupled with control-top hose, and the use of Troy Smith as a personal trainer. Beaner is working on it, too, by buying copious amounts of Dipsy-Doo in an effort to create a singular spike of hair on the top of his head. He is hoping to get likened to Alfalfa from The Little Rascals in the future.
Next month: The law league football playoff preview and critiques of the physiques of players who were “pantsed” when the person going for the flag instead got a healthy handful of athletic shorts.