“Buy a Boarded-Up House With Contents” Jeff Cooper. Paperback, 291 pages. RAJ Publishing, Jacksonville. $14.95.
In his introduction, Jeff Cooper says “I could have earned a Ph.D in the time spent on this book. It’s taken so long that some of the people I wanted to read it are dead, like my dad.”
He estimates it took 20 years and it reads like it — it’s a wonderful compendium of random thoughts over a long period of a person’s life.
It may be the easiest book ever to read. Few sections are more than a page. Almost every sentence is basic: noun, verb, etc.
The information, he says, is roughly in chronological order.
“The paragraphs are like bricks,” he writes. “They were supposed to fit together, but there are sometimes bumps and potholes.”
He takes you through his career as an appraiser, salesman and investor in Palatka and Jacksonville, naming a few names along the way (nothing scurrilous) and you’ll identify with numerous sites.
Easy, and fun, reading.
Here are some of Cooper’s bits and bites of wisdom:
On the business world
• You can steal more with a briefcase than a gun, and get off easier.
• Pool shysters are common.
• I taught several bankers how to do appraisals, and they taught me how to drink at lunch.
• Pay your appraiser’s bill because he might become the tax assessor.
On developments
• Gates keep value in and slobs out.
• PUDs are America’s class creation vehicle. They micro-manage our behavior and boost prestige.
• People hate zoning changes even when it is good for them.
On houses
• Except for the Sistine Chapel, ceilings are boring.
• Home Depot and others have made handymen out of weekend beer drinkers.
• A solar carport should be invented. The carports are ugly and the panels are ugly, so combining the two makes sense.
• I appraised a house on a 300-foot corner lot. The lot was so deep that you could sell off the back, build a second house and still have plenty left. This is how the rich man thinks. The poor man just bitches about all the grass he has to cut.
• I have never seen a fireman’s pole in a house, but it might be fun.
On buying property
• Get to know the seller and don’t make him mad.
• Buy from divorcing couples, but don’t own with an ex-spouse.
• Flinching is done when the seller names his asking price.
• Look during the rain and in the daylight.
• Don’t buy a fish camp next to a guy with 50 cats.
• Don’t insult the seller’s property. This will not drive down the price, but it will make him mad and sour your deal.
• If an appraisal seems wrong, it probably is.
• Buy from rich people, because they don’t need the money.
• Buy from mad people, but don’t make the seller mad.
• Buy next to someone who will need you in the future.
• The last dollar buys more real estate than the first dollar.
• Notice the proximity of fire hydrants when buying a property.
• Don’t put the appraiser off because the house needs cleaning. If you are worried about the house needing cleaning, it doesn’t. People who don’t worry about the house needing cleaning, should.
On selling homes
• No matter how bleak the prospect, talk to him anyway and ask questions. Listen and learn. You never know who is rich or what they have.
• I learned to bring Lysol spray to . . . open houses, and sprinkle Pine Sol in trashcans — especially if they had dogs.
• Do not mistake good luck for brains.
• People can’t see what you eat, only what you wear. Eat hash and buy good clothes.
• A new salesman often gets old dogs.
• One guy’s wife flirted with me, and another wife started crying over the wallpaper. A kid threw up in the back seat. A drunk wanted to look at homes every weekend for enjoyment.
On office life
• My boss . . . arrived to help me hire workers for the new office. One lady was turned down for hairy legs.
• I had a private office, which I filled with cigarette smoke. I dictated reports using a Grundig tape machine and belched into the tape. Earl’s secretary, Jackie, would scream. Jackie was a sexy thing, but a churchgoer. Earl tithed, and didn’t cuss or drink. Vickie was John’s secretary. She was a flashy blonde who wore silver miniskirts. John was proper, but he liked to show her off. She worked her own schedule.
General advice
• Marry a woman with a house.
• The value of most small businesses is the heartbeat of the owner.
• Gourmet is a restaurant euphemism for expensive. Gourmet Deli is an oxymoron. Baloney is baloney.
• If you own a bar, get high rent, have lots of insurance and hope it doesn’t catch on with bikers.
• If your husband buys a restaurant, you will be a waitress.
• If you have a failing septic system, any day the toilet flushes is a good day.
• Ratting neighbors enforce most zoning violations.
• The byproducts of success (are) drinking and spending.
• Timing is important. Some say it’s a sixth sense, and others say be educated about your investing. It is probably a combination of both.
• Often the last tenant (in a mall) is the hall of wrestling, Chinese restaurants, paint ball arenas, thrift shops, car lots, churches or dance studios. Car lots have speakers that wake up nearby residents.
• A goal is definite and has a time frame, while a dream may need divine help.