by Michele Newbern Gillis
Staff Writer
The next time a conflict arises, look at it as an opportunity to either be assertive or to learn something about yourself.
That is what speaker John “Jack” Jones of The LifeSource Group taught the attendees of the St. Augustine Women’s Council of Realtors last month at their monthly luncheon at Carrabba’s Italian Grill.
He taught them two different ways to react to conflict in their lives that will either help them learn assertiveness or give them an opportunity for internal ownership and responsibility of the root of the conflict.
“You need to learn assertiveness skills, not angry or aggressive. There is another school of thought is that there is no conflict in relationships, the conflict only resides within you,” said Jones. “When your spouse says something to irritate you, the opportunity exists for you to say, ‘Wow. Why is that bugging me so much?’”
Jones said that we have two choices when conflict arises. We can either teach others how we will and will not be treated by using “I” statements or we can see the conflict as an opportunity for personal healing and growth.
“If you practice assertiveness, you will reduce the stress in your life guaranteed,” said Jones. “Whenever your husband, wife, kids or boss do a behavior, instead of you losing it, you should nicely request a behavior change. With the use of ‘I’ statements, you will begin to be able to shape and modify behavior. There is no doubt about it. You can do it with your boss, friends, spouse and even subordinates.
“An example would be ‘Honey, when you leave your socks in the hallway, I feel mad because I worked all day to keep the house clean. What I would appreciate is in the future if you could put your socks away. Thank you. I’m out.’ Then walk away. Don’t wait for or demand agreement as this is a request for change.”
The other school of thought, he said, is to take a second to ask yourself why the conflict is upsetting you and see if there is something deeper.
“You are inviting light in and sometimes you get the answer and other times you might not get it, but the healing process is already beginning inside yourself,” he said. “The mind is retraining itself to work with the heart and to say ‘I’m not going to keep blaming others I’m in charge of my happiness.’ So, your whole life, framework and point of view will start changing.”
Jones said doing a little bit of both methods can help reduce your stress and resolve conflicts in your life quicker and easier, which everyone can use help with.