Hello Sports Fans. This is the issue of the Bar Bulletin Robert and I know you have been patiently waiting to digest. No it is not the Jacksonville Law Swimsuit Issue – it’s the Law League Basketball Preview.
Before we get to the team profiles, we would be remiss if we did not bring to your attention the trials and tribulations the front office has endured during the tumultuous off-season.
First and foremost were the heated contraction negotiations between team owners and the players union. It seemed that the owners were all in concert that Big McGuire needed to be contracted; however, the players howled that they had grown accustomed to receiving the Big Mac forfeit and with Rogers Towers not playing, who was left to forfeit every week? Given that Big Mac has always paid its dues, unlike Bitter Tritt, a stay of execution was granted.
By far, the most time was spent negotiating a place to play. Given the amount of man hours logged, you’d think Robert could have resolved the school voucher issue. We are pleased to announce the league games will once again be played at The Bolles School. However, we will unfortunately have to divert a few games to the auxiliary gym during the time the main floor is resurfaced. The old gym reminds me of the setting for the movie “Hoosiers.” The idea of seeing Tod Eikner in short shorts, rolled socks, and Chuck Taylors does ruin it for me though.
But enough admin, on to the team previews:
Fielding its first team in any organized JBA League in over four years, is the law firm of Holland & Knight. At the team’s press conference last week (held at the Ritz-Carlton at Amelia Island), coach Brendan Rager announced that the citizens of Holland & Knight had voted for the team name to be: “Two Shot Fowls.” Apparently, “Resistance is Futile, We Will Assimilate You,” received minimal support. Rager also announced that the squad would sport royal blue uniforms with silver lettering and also let slip that player nicknames would be handsewn on the back of the jerseys. Confidential sources disclosed that Fred Page asked for “He Hate Me” but was turned down and that Rager’s nickname is H.R. Puff’N’Stuff. The squad was also dealt a severe blow last week when Ray Driver broke his hand during training camp while “using the facilities.” Finally, since Robert and Dan will be officiating the game of the week, we thought it appropriate to assess Alan Wachs a/ka/ “The Enforcer,” a foul right now because we all know Waxie fouls someone daily.
Another team making it initial debut is the Looney Tunes. Eschewing both numerals and nicknames on the back of their jerseys, this team will be identified by the cartoon character on their chest (the brainchild of Andy Brigham). No word on just who will be sporting Daffy Duck. Rounding out the roster is team coach Bruce Humphrey, Andy Cantor and James Riley. Privately team officials are concerned about Brigham’s health (not mental, although you know . . . . ) because he suffered a season ending knee injury in game two last season and has added approximately twenty stitches to his face during pre-season conditioning drills.
Niels Murphy, coach of the Litigators, was extremely professional when asked to comment on the loss of free agent David Barksdale to the Smith Hulsey squad. “We will not miss the turncoat,” Murphy said, refusing to even speak Barksdale’s name. Leading the offensive attack for the Litigators will once again be Lynne Murphy, who finished her college basketball career with over 1,000 points at Wesleyan in Connecticut. Although Lynne is quiet on the court, according to undisclosed sources, post-game discussions at home can get heated if there were insufficient shot opportunities for her during the game.
The winner, if you want to describe it as that, of the Barksdale free agency was Smith Hulsey, although coach Steve Moore was unsure whether it isn’t addition by subtraction. “The last time he was with us, he was like Bill Parcells and demanded full control. After he left the team, we won a championship, and now he is back. You do the math,” Moore said. A perennial final four participant, Smith & Hulsey has gotten stronger, even including Barksdale in the mix, with the addition of Keith Clausen, an attorney with the PGA.
The State Attorneys are fielding two clubs this season and let’s just say the two squads are not hugging each other. Shawn Arnold, coach of the Guilty as Charged team, has been accused by “junior varsity” (Arnold’s words) player Rich Mantei, of cherry picking. Arnold did land the top free agent of the league, Mike Zima, who left Final Judgment, who will run the offense. Arnold’s squad is stacked with talent and should fare well, if it does not get too beat up in the season opener against the “junior varsity” (Arnold’s words).
The “junior varsity” (Arnold’s words) is led by Bram Scharf, and his all-star frisbee dog “Spot” (Arnold’s word). Lookout for shooting guard Cheyenne Palmer, who starred for the Iowa State Cyclones.
John Mills of Final Judgment was due to return our telephone call regarding his team’s prospects. However, he was probably too busy representing his clients. Talk about priorities. The loss of Zima cannot be overestimated but Mills assured me that LaTasha Garrison, former star for the Florida Lady Gators would be flawless at the point.
Big McGuire is once again under new management as the firm desperately tries to find the missing link. The law league’s version of the Denver Nuggets hope this year’s version may be the answer as the team makes its baby steps toward respectability. One anonymous coach said, “this team is living proof that the law league will take anybody willing to pay the fee. No size, no dedication, no dice.”
You have to hand it to David Otero. He has enough players to field two teams and will head up Akerman “A”. Most firms would probably have a firm-wide draft to even things out. Not David. He takes the best 10 players and then names his associate, Jay Brown, as coach of the “other” Akerman team. Brown, one of the truly nice guys in the Bar, takes it with a smile. The new plan is likely a knee-jerk reaction to last year’s disappointing campaign when Akerman exited the playoffs in the first round with a loss to the lowest seed. Akerman can run some talent at you. They also talk it up on the floor more than a Star Jones-Barbara Walters debate on “The View.” Putting Cameron Story, Greg Prince, David Otero and Mike Marino out there with rookie referees Rob “Steve Javve” Devine and Dan “Earl Strom” Bean is like bringing a Bic lighter into a room full of butane. The refs will be serving up more T’s than Lipton. That cat Alan Pickert has some skills, though. We hear, though, that the new marriage and another year of tread off the tires have people wondering if he is going to be able to finish games off.
Let’s all imagine that conversation between Otero and Brown when they divvied up the roster that led to the creation of Akerman “B”:
Otero:“OK, Jay, here’s what were going to do. I am going to take Pickert, Prince, Marino, Story and any other guy in the firm. It makes sense because we are dividing the teams up so that you head up a team of non-Akerman people and I head up a team of Akerman people. That’s the plan.”
Brown: “But, Marino and Pickert aren’t with the firm. Shouldn’t they be on my team?”
Otero:(Pointing out the window excitedly) “What’s that?” (Otero exits quickly while Brown is looking out the window).
We should say this about Otero, though. He makes the league fun. We will quit as commissioners exactly one day after he hangs it up as a player. As to Akerman “B,” it will be relegated to farm club status and re-named Akerman “CBA.” Brown is going to feel like the coach of the Albany Patroons when any of his players with talent signs a 10-day contracts with the “A” team.
Last year, Better Tritt made it all the way to the finals behind the play of David Dearing, Tod Eikner and others. When it came time for the finals, however, Tritt found every excuse it could to avoid a showdown with Florida Coastal, who ran everyone, including Tritt, off the court during the season. In typical Arnold Tritt style, much akin to World Wrestling’s Nature Boy Rick Flair, he declared his team champs and then ran out of the ring before the big, bad studs came to settle it on the court. This team is a year older, but it still has enough gas in the tank to make it deep into the playoffs. One unnamed coach, after last year’s unfinished business, said, “I don’t want to hear one word from Arnold during the season. He can’t talk if he is not going to bring his no-talent, weak-kneed, Shawn-Kemp-after-a-binge-at-McDonald’s body on the court.”
Allison Miller spent a season in purgatory with the now-defunct Strikebreakers. Now she is making a run with the expansion Stutsman & Thames. She is vowing to post up Otero and may have success with the considerable height advantage. Stay tuned.
The Public Defenders are always a threat because of the constant infusion of new and young talent. The team can usually pull in a few “clients” for short work-release stints so they can be strong one night, and average the next. But if the “Berry Farm” team shows up, watch out.
This is first-year entry for Harris Guidi. Lee Lockett is a person with good talent but the rest of the squad is unproven. Look for some low-level success and perhaps a low-seed playoff berth. If they can get Paola Parra out there it would be worth the price of admission. We hear she has mad skills.
Another team that is stretching its wings with a new franchise after making an initial entry into law league in the flag football season a couple of years back is Bray Singletary. Brian Szilvasy’s biggest challenge is not finding talent, but finding talent that can get up and down the court for 50 minutes. Look for Mike Debski to have one or two Rasheed Wallace-like meltdowns as the refs make sure to pick on him.