by Fred Seely
Editorial Director
Your office probably has one on a wall or two. Ours does.
It’s the inspirational photograph and message.
Ours says “Vision” in big letters. Underneath, it has a quote from Carl Sandburg: “Nothing happens unless first a dream.”
The themes vary but the sappiness stays. Whether the photo pitches “DETERMINATION” or “TEAMWORK,” they are universally derided by employees who would rather have a few extra pennies in their paychecks than see the company spend money on trying to inspire people in a not-so-subtle, Big Brother manner.
Now comes a company named Despair, Inc. Why didn’t Dilbert think of this?
You look at a Despair poster and you think it’s just another waste of wall space.
But, isn’t that a ship sinking into a blue sea with a setting-sun gold background? The big word is “MISTAKES.” And the text says “It could be that the purpose of your life is to only serve as a warning for others.”
And another: “DEMOTIVATION,” a photo of a man sitting on the floor of an empty room with the subhead: “Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is to just fire all the unhappy people.”
And “PESSIMISM,” with a spectacular lightning bolt in the photo and the test saying “Every dark cloud has a silver lining but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.”
It started in 1996 when three young men, working at a Dallas dotcom, felt they had been shafted when the company reneged on its promise of giving employees some shares.
As chance often happens, a catalog arrived in a day or two from Successories, the company which produces most of the so-called “inspirational” posters that plague America’s offices.
According to Justin Sewell, one of the three, they were “bitterly laughing at how there was nothing in the catalog remotely appropriate to the situation we were in.” They started talking about “demotivators” and the idea germinated.
With $100,000 from savings
and family, Despair, Inc. was founded in 1998. Today, it’s a $1 million company and growing quickly.
Despair, Inc. has a slick catalog which also is a takeoff on the more serious folks who wants to sell motivational materials to HR directors with nothing better to buy. There’s a message from the “Founder and COO,” an evil-grinning guy with 1970’s sideburns. There’s a photo of a secretary putting a piece of paper in a box marked “Customer Suggestion Box” which, on closer inspection. is a paper shredder.
It’s all online, too, at www.despair.com.
The variations are many:
• There are 38 posters (they call them 24x30 inch lithographs) for $15.95. You’ll like AMBITION with a salmon being caught by a bear and the subhed “A journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.”
• A 2004 calendar is available for $14.95 (the cover is “MEDIOCRITY” with a photo of the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the words “It takes a lot less time and people won’t notice until it’s too late.”)
• You can get a Pessimist’s Mug for $9.95 — it has a line midway up and the words “The glass is half-empty.”
• There’s a “Greatest Hits Notecard Pack” with 18 cards you can mail to an appropriate person. The cover is a photo of a handshake, the title is “CONSULTING” and the words are “If you’re not part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the process.”
• You can get your favorite scene in a 5x7 version that’s mounted ($15.95) so it sits on your desk. The catalog’s selection to show this is “MOTIVATION” with a photo of a beautiful seashore at sunset and the words “If a pretty poster and cute words are all its takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.”
• The ever-present office stickypad comes for $9.95 and you might enjoy the “PROCRASTINATION” model with a man looking at a coastline and the comment “Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.”
• And, you might have an employee who deserves an “Underachiever Award.” Despair Inc. will make a plaque of your favorite photo, such as “APATHY,” which is a telephone and the words “If we don’t take care of the customer, maybe they’ll stop bugging us.”
In the works are a T-shirt with the big word “INSECURITY,” little candy Valentines with brief messages such as “He has a job” and “Prenup okay?” and decals of “frownies,” the computer-keyboard version of a “smiley” which look like this: :-(.
But wait! The boss is watching! Why are you reading this newspaper when there are pencils to be sharpened, envelopes to be licked and employee handbooks to be read?
Here’s a poster for your cubicle:
GET TO WORK
You aren’t being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.