Who knew that if I wrote about women’s fashion, I would get the largest response of the year from the readership. I doubled the female demographic from five to ten. Letters poured in! Most wanted to know how I obtained so much information on swanky women’s purse logos. Some people questioned my sexual preference. For the record, I’m going with Metrosexual. Those are men in touch with their feminine side. Just so you know, you are Metrosexual if you have more dress/work shoes than your significant other. You also could be a Metrosexual male if you enjoy massages, facials, manicures and pedicures. Comments from the women of the Jacksonville Bar fell into two camps: (1) those that prefer “manly” men and were disturbed that the Bar would allow such seditious words in print from a male columnist (see, e.g. Joann Bricker, Regina Young, Susan Haag); and (2) those that were pleased with the rebirth of the male in touch with his feminine side and/or they found a man they can physically dominate (see, e.g. Paola Parra, Margaret Cavin, half of the legal assistants in my office and Janet Reno, who has had a thing for both Angelo Patacca and me since her speech to the Bar here four years ago).
Clearly I have touched a nerve; an untapped gold mine of issues at the hearts of the readers and Bob Riegel. It went over so well, I took my group of Metrosexual men out on the town once again to tackle more weighty topics of women’s fashion, like shoes. The group was Tod Eikner, R. Troy Smith, Brad Markey and a special guest appearance from Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. We also brought along Erik Berger. He knows nothing about women’s fashion, or men’s fashion, for that matter, but he’ll buy the drinks just to hang out with us. We also brought along Sherri Worman to see if she could throw us off our game by bringing up topics like power tools, electric sanders and lawn equipment.
If you’ll remember, the Metrosexual panel previously had Alan Wachs on it. Wachs, however, wrote a scathing letter to the commissioner disavowing any knowledge of his participation in the handbag judging. Wachs is one of the finest young litigators in the city, so one wonders why he would bristle at being in such an esteemed group. I’m going with Wachs having overcompensation issues. This is the last time Wachs makes it into this column. Ever. To replace him, we added Jason Burnett.
We decided to judge the shoes in three groups: (1) work; (2) casual Friday; and (3) out on the town in the evening. I had suggested a junket to South Gate Shopping Mall in Costa Mesa, California because the selection of specialty shops are unbelievable there (Tiffany, Chanel, Jimmy Choo, etc.), but Jim Bailey would not spring for the plane tickets, even if we went coach. Cheapskate. Doesn’t he know who we are and the value we bring to his newspaper? So we were stuck here in J-Action Ville. To investigate, we hung out at the outdoor café at Hooters at The Landing and the secret closet in Jim Moseley Jr.’s office. For casual wear, we first stalked the aisles at Big Lots and Kmart, but could not find appropriate subjects, so we moved to the Food Court at The Avenues mall. For evening wear, we went with a Hi-Lo approach, splitting time between Timuquana Country Club and a mix of Indo-Exo, Leopard Lounge and a local debutante’s house where she had more than 250 pairs of shoes, which made us very jealous. I tell you, with this sort of sampling, the error rate is plus or minus two, which matches the statistical accuracy of the placebo effect on drugs seeking FDA approval.
So, without further fanfare, here were the brands we ended up comparing.
Work shoes: (1) Nine West; (2) Prada; (3) Salvatore Ferragamo; (4) Mark Jacobs; (5) Wolverine workboots.
We all agreed that Nine West delivers the most bang for the buck. Classical styles, reasonable prices, and helps defray the cost of Mark Brunell’s contract. Everybody wins! Eikner and Burnett were particularly attracted to the crocodile pump from Ferragamo. Markey went for the slight edgy look presented by Mark Jacobs’ snip-toe pump. I went with Prada’s platform slingback because it showed a serious sense of style without making too much of an overstatement. We all agreed that Wolverine’s worked but only with the “Ellie Mae Clampett takes a job on a road crew ensemble.” Leave the pack of Camel’s at home and not tucked into the shoulder sleeve of the cement-caked T-shirt.
Berger’s Comment: “I like the tennis shoes that the servers are wearing. Don’t they count as work shoes?”
Going Casual: (1) Joseph Siebel; (2) Brighton; (3) Cole-Haan; (4) Clark’s; (5) those two-striped cheapo Keds that are part tennis shoe, part clog.
The committee agreed that slides are always nice for an easy Friday or a casual weekend. Siebel, Brighton, Cole-Haan and Clark’s all come up with similar models. I was particularly fond of the color choice and plain old fashion horse sense comfort that Siebel provided. It’s Cole-Haan without the pretense. Women in Siebel’s just seemed more comfortable, and, thus, happier and less likely to practice transference from the pain in her feet to her considerable other.
Berger’s Comment: “Those Keds just tell me something about the women. I’d take a run at a girl with the tennis shoe clog look. I saw them a lot at the last Justin Timberlake concert I attended.”
On the Town: (1) Jimmy Choo; (2) Charles David; (3) Martine Sitbon; (4) Pierre Hardy; (5) Candies.
My favorite category. We all agreed to choice in night out shoes really tells a lot about the women. I am still a sucker for anything Jimmy Choo produces, although the Pierre Hardy rose and gold pumps with ankle straps did give me a case of whiplash (Got have the right dress for it, though). All in all, Markey, Eikner and Burnett, thought Martine Sitbon put the most thought in what a man would like to see in a woman’s shoe. Chauvenist pigs! When Eikner saw Sitbon’s knee-high boots he exclaimed, “I would wear those!” Charles David is best at making “low-end on the high-end” priced shoes.
Berger’s Comment: “Candies. Definitely the Candies. It makes me hungry. Hot wings, anyone?”
So there you have it, ladies. If you have the jack and the appropriate foot-size go with a healthy combination of Prada, Sitbon, Hardy and Siebel’s. You will be noticed. Go any other way, and Berger may be calling you for a Friday Night kegger at Skate World.
Next month, the Metrosexuals are going to tackle makeup, with one lucky female bar member getting a complete makeover supervised by the group. Melissa Dearing has already expressed interest as a candidate, and we are trying to squeeze some of the phat cash out of Bailey. Of course, co-commissioner Tysen Duva would rather we talk about the sociological impact of Chingy’s new song “I Like The Way You Do That Right Thur.” Interesting fact from Duva: Chingy is East St. Louis slang for describing a person with money. A proper usage would be, “Wayne Hogan is chingy.”
As a sidenote, perhaps one of the most laughable pieces of information uncovered during the past month is on the Holland & Nighty-Night website. Dan Bean’s bio indicates that he served in the United States Navy as a “surface warfare officer.” Why can I not stop laughing every time I read that?! Again, you cannot make this stuff up! I just have this mental picture of Officer Bean taking over the gun turret and shooting a cannonball size hole through the bottom of the ship. Bean then blames the misfired shot on some poor Petty Officer. Priceless! Sort of like what he does with his Board of Governors screwups.
This is a sports column and I am under a strict edict to have at least one paragraph dedicated to sports. Law League softball finished off the season, with the State Attorneys taking the whole enchilada, no beans, please. SAO knocked off defending champs Pajcic & Pajcic with extreme prejudice 24-12 in the final.