by Rob Devine
This is always an interesting time of year at The Jacksonville Bar Board of Governor’s offices. It’s the time when the current board makes decisions over whether they would like to dedicate another two years to the cause. It’s also time to brace for new arrivals to the board. For those of you that are considering throwing your hat into the ring for this year’s race, I have one piece of advice for you.
Don’t.
This is admittedly self-serving. First, I am running for re-election and I think we all know I am on razor-thin ice. Let’s face it, the communication gap between a person and a legislative body has never seen a chasm this great since the United States Senate was forced to issue the Strom Thurmond-to-English, English-to-Strom Thurmond dictionary. I knew that my time was short when capo-de-capo Hank Coxe said to me last week, “Enjoy your last 60 days on the board, Putz.”
Second, the more people that run, it will force board member Caroline Emery to resort to her name recognition gag of issuing emery boards to anyone that comes within six feet of her path. Let me tell you, those emery boards come in handy for an edgy nail or for when you have to saw yourself loose from being roped to a “dip” sign on a lonely highway. Am I the only person that has experienced this?
But if my feeble whining is not enough to prevent you from running, then we have a duty to at least educate you on how to handle yourself in the first year of your term. With that in mind, here are some tips for the new governors when they come on board:
1. Don’t take yourself too seriously: For instance, I am still waiting for someone to support my proposal to have all members of the Board of Governor’s complete that quirky e-mail exchange that is going around where everyone answers about 75 inane questions about themselves during election years. People want to know that Jim Moseley Jr.’s favorite actor is Robert Loggia and that Ray Driver secretly wants to be Engelbert Humperdinck or that Mike Freed’s favorite TV show is “The Wiggles.” The constituency does not know half the people running, such pivotal information could turn the election.
2. Take a break during your late hours to use your telescope: All the people working downtown who are anybody have that telescope in their office that has limited use. It’s usually reserved for seeing who is sunbathing at the pool at the Omni or getting a close look at the “jumper” hanging from the scaffold of the Main Street bridge. At about 9:30 p.m., focus your eyes on the upper floors of the Bank of America tower facing west and you should see board member Dan Bean re-enacting the dance that Hugh Grant did to The Pointer Sisters’ “Jump for My Love” in the hit movie “Love, Actually.” It is a good conversation starter. “Over there, up in the sky, is Orion’s Belt, and if you move the telescope downward and to your right, you’ll see The Beaner gearing up for his next oral argument.”
3. Have a smoke: Nothing says you mean business more than a tobacco addiction. The JBA offices during Board of Governor’s meetings looks like the cancer start-up lounge at most metropolitan airports. The air is so thick you can’t even see who is talking. Start slow, though, because the hierarchy is established by the level of your nicotine dependency. The new guys usually start off with something light, like Merit 100s. Pretty soon, you hit the Joe Camerlengo level and go with Camel unfiltered. Sherri Worman rose substantially in power when she tied 10 cigarettes together with a rubber band and smoked them all at once. She was only eclipsed by Reginald Luster, who later broke out a full humidor of smuggled Cubans. Diane Gill has been executive director for years. Consequently, she sounds like Brenda Vaccaro after a weekend bender. So if you quit smoking, start again. If you have never smoked, start.
4. Watch your dress: The way you look sets the tone at board meetings. I tend to go with the Modern Metrosexual look. It works great in the regular public but is subject to great ridicule at board meetings. At the last one, Alan Pickert took one look at me and then said to Dan Bean, “When did the ‘Boogie Nights’ look come back into style?” Bean responded by suggesting that I head the Jax Bar Disco Nights project. Another example. Kelly Mathis’ ties would leave Isaac Mizrahi speechless in the normal world. But in Bizarro-world of JBA board meetings, they look normal, even stylish.
5. Stay away from projects that require research: This was newcomer Joel Toomey’s big mistake this past year. The board was tasked with handling a proposal that meant that there would be a legal-education exchange between the Jacksonville Bar and legal officials from the little known country of Benin. For your information, Benin is a West African nation approximately the size of Pennsylvania. I learned these facts from the sixth-grade social studies report that Joel Toomey took us through. He gave us their gross national product. He gave us a political history of the nation going back to colonial times. We even learned about the country’s climate. Time well spent. Joel’s looking at the dreaded “one-year” term when his name comes up on next year’s election slate.
6. Don’t cheer when Hank Coxe and Grier Wells leave the meeting: It’s been done before. Hundreds and hundreds of times. You will look like someone who lacks truly original thought.
7. Tell Kelley Padgitt that her food is good: This is a new rule. It happened when almost all of the board groaned when she served salmon and cabbage for the monthly meeting meal. Admittedly, this was not a crowd pleaser. But Kelley got back at the group the next month by secretly loading her tasty meal with MSG, heavy starches and human growth hormone. We all suffered hormonal imbalances, gained between three and 14 pounds in one day, and had to shave by 5 p.m.
8. Disguise your voice during controversy: Hey, the monthly meetings are recorded, buddy. So if you’re going to say something sophomoric or controversial, either change your voice to mimic another board member or make your statement and then attribute the statement to another board member on the record. Bill Joel taught me that lesson the hard way last year when he made a crack about Judge Moran and then indicated I had made the comments. Suddenly, my security pass at the courthouse was revoked and I was subjected to several unusually invasive searches for “unidentified metal objects.”
9. Sarcasm is the weak man’s argument: But when you have nothing else to say, it might actually make you look intelligent and witty. Just ask Dan Bean.
10. Don’t politicize the process: By this, I mean do not speak out about how you really feel. Last year, Angelo Patacca made his stance known about certain political bigwigs speaking at the Law Week lunch. Come election time, he was slapped with the dreaded “one-year” term. Ever since that time, Patacca has spent his time mumbling to himself at meetings and sweating profusely when anyone asks his thoughts.
If you follow these simple rules, and also nod your head like a college freshman professor groupie at every word Hank Coxe and Diane Gill say, you should get through your first year just fine. Jim Moseley Jr., followed this formula, especially the part about Hank and Diane, and his path to the presidency was a smooth path.