by Daniel K. Bean
I know this is something that you have been waiting for. Through the course of the year, you have been seeing columns from the members of YOUR Jacksonville Bar Board of Governors. All the while, I am sure you were thinking, “this is all well and good, professionalism, civic duties, grand events, but what is Dan Bean’s take on all this?”
I am here for you.
It has been difficult to take the 15 minutes out of my life to communicate with you, the electorate. After all, the rigors and demands of being the top producer at Holland & Knight, all the while securing huge verdicts for the firm’s litigation clients, takes its toll. In addition, in case you have not read the national newspapers and top secret cables from the National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, I have also being functioning as an unofficial Central American Strongman going by the name of “El Commandante Gordo, pequeno? No!” I don’t speak Spanish, but I am sure the title is lofty. Add on to the fact that I am on the doorstep of being name a Rear Admiral in the Navy for my continuous years of providing the blanket of protection that you sleep peacefully under, and it’s a wonder that I have any time at all.
For the dozen or so people that attended the annual meeting, I am sure you were shocked to learn that Hank Coxe was not going to be part of the panel that delivers gems of insight and nuggets of false-gold humor regarding the goings on of the past year of the Bar. I think it is time that you all know. Hank Coxe has not been around for a good 24 months now. The truth is, while you were treated to my humor and pithy statements at the annual meeting, the real Hank Coxe was drooling in the corner of an assisted living facility trying to eat dog biscuits and wearing Depends after being on the losing end of a small foreign Junta. Bedell, fearing that the firm would surely fold once it became known that Hank Coxe was about as capacitated as post-Happy Hour Tip O’Neill during his final days as Speaker of the House, found a look-alike who had a similar fear of ever going to a barbershop. If you looked closely and were fond of bad 1970s sitcoms, you would have realized the fake Hank Coxe had been played by Erik Estrada. You really should have been able to pick up on the change in the accent and not let Bedell play it off as Coxe deciding he needed to be more “multicultural.”
I think you have to admit that the annual meeting was at least seven percent better without Coxe. Sure, it was difficult to have to carry Brad Johnson as the emcee of the event as he worked through the flop sweats and chronic stuttering, but I knew that if I laughed at Johnson’s feeble offerings, the crowd would take my cue and laugh along with me. After all, most reason that if I think something is funny, then it must be funny for the masses. My acute sense of what is humorous is legendary and beyond debate.
The more difficult task was holding a military-issued silencer against the ribs of annual meeting panel member Bill Joel to ensure that he did not say anything throughout the entire program. We did a walk-through prior to the presentation, and Bill Joel can only be described as a show killer of lethal proportions. Sure, Lamar Weingart’s presentation was great, but it was only made possible because I wrote the material and paid his annual dues which allowed him to speak.
With respect to the elections, I am sure that you know by now that you, the voters, elected Alan Pickert as president-elect. Not that you had a choice. Pickert was the only person on the ballot and it was impossible not to vote for him after his wife used their “Glamour Shots” photo as his election picture on the annual bulletin. All I can say is, that boy sure does have a pretty mouth.
You also elected Robert Devine, Caroline Emery, Courtney Grimm, Mike Freed and Ray Driver to the Board of Governors. I was most pleased to see that the electorate was able to look past so much to give Devine the benefit of the doubt. It shows that our modern electorate votes for the best person of the job and disregards issues of gender confusion. Furthermore, Devine is excellent at decision making, as long as you get him before the noon power lunch. Plus, it was difficult not to vote for him as he stood outside the election area quoting George Bush saying, “please don’t make me a one-termer!”
Emery was another solid choice, because abstaining from voting on issues is critical to the decision making process. I welcome Grimm back to the board after a hiatus to attend to other matters in her life. Her input will be welcome provided she understands that quitting the board means she goes to the back of the line in the ascendancy to the status of Board President. Freed, too, was a solid choice. A man of his size will make it easier for me to carry him on my back as he rides my coattails to further elections on the Board in the future. Finally, with respect to Driver, there had to a fifth person elected to the Board, and there is a little known Board rule that at least two persons from The Intrepid Law Group must be on the Board. I hear it has something to do with a personal services contract between Joe Camerlengo and outgoing President Jim Moseley Jr.
No matter whom you elect, I just want you to know the Board is in good hands as long as I am there. Just ask Cheryl Miede.