by Rob Devine
First, being a person in the position of writing a column, I am fortunate enough to be pulled aside at many events to be told of the exploits of friends and foes in the Jacksonville Bar. Second, I like that someone was willing to say that, because we all think that but would never verbalize it. Third, in the new book, “The Metro Man Guide to Style: A Handbook For the Modern Man”, Page 64, indicates that regular quotes of classical flicks is very engaging to everyone in social circles.
Let’s start with the sports party of the year in Jacksonville Bar circles. That would be the Tod Eikner Super Bowl party. I was lucky enough to get the bid from the Todmeister for the first time and he allowed me to bring a friend. Since Dan Bean was already out of town getting in a late deposition for Holland & Knight on Super Bowl Sunday (who works on Super Bowl Sunday?), and Erik Berger was already on Eikner’s invite list, I was forced to bring my stalker cousin Dob Revine. He previously wanted to change his name to be the same as mine. When I threatened legal action, he changed it so it would be nearly identical to mine with the initial letters switched. Whatever.
Eikner’s new house is palatial. I mean palatial, especially so for a man of his age. I came to the conclusion that he was a “trust fund” baby, until I was corrected and learned his financial success came from the collective work of Eraclides, Johns, Hall, Gelman, Eikner & Johannessen. At any rate, his new river estate is fabulous, with the odd exceptions of a lack of furniture and the previous owner having one large bathroom that is completely mirrored. I’m not talking lots of mirrors. I’m talking every inch of bathroom is mirrored. Who does that?!
I don’t know about you, but a bathroom is not the place that I want to see myself from every possible angle. Dob Revine loved the powder room and escaped to be in that room for the better part of the second quarter of the Super Bowl after consuming a half a bottle of Eikner’s finest vodka. We come to find out days later that Dob must have had a bad experience while in there, as one of the mirrors was shattered. As what usually happens with Dob, both he and I are now again on the “do not invite” list. In an effort to get back on, I am asking Eikner to send me a bill since we all know that Dob lacks any financial means whatsoever to compensate Eikner for the damages. Dob, of course, has no recollection whatsoever of the event. I told him it was negative feedback from the mirror with respect to his narcissistic tendencies.
The problem for me is that people still get confused that Dob is me. Is anyone with me here that I have a potential cause of action for invasion of privacy based upon the misappropriation of the likeness of me. Of course, I am afraid that the case will be pitched under the legal theory of “who would ever want to be like Devine?”
With respect to the law league, basketball is underway. It appears as though Team Hummer, sponsored by Nimnicht Hummer, is the team to beat. Led by former division 34 (or NAIA or something like that) college star Erik Berger, Hummer has not gone down the entire season. The team also is benefiting from good guard play from Andy Nachman and Ty Tygart, as well as valuable minutes (usually about two or so) from Tod Eikner. This team lacks height, but the continuity and ball movement keeps them in front of the competition. David Dearing reported to camp out of shape, but has shed the extra pounds and is now the dual shooter-slasher threat that he was in years past. Of course, they have to monitor his minutes.
Eikner is not happy, though, because Dob Revine hoodwinked a roster spot on Hummer. He has played in one game and was promptly ejected within five minutes because he showed up half-tanked on vodka. Once he was on the floor he acted like Dennis Rodman (Spurs days, not the Pistons days), and drew two technical fouls in a ten-second span.
Sadly, law league experienced its first exchange of blows in a league game, much to the dismay of the Office of the Commissioner. Luckily, Dob Revine was not involved. Still, a fight in law league is about 90 percent as bad as seeing Benoit Benjamin’s name in the news again, even if it is only in connection with the Jayson Williams trial. One player was suspended for the year, and two others served one game suspensions for their collective “going Howard Dean” on each other. For the remaining players, there is now a league-wide pledge to avoid looking like bad auditions for a Jerry Quarry v. Randall “Tex” Cobb live from the Cow Palace bout.