I just cannot get over Erik Berger’s shower. I know. I have been blathering on incessantly about this, but it simply must be placed in Rand McNally’s Travel Guide as one of the best attractions in Jacksonville. The force is so strong that City authorities have restricted Berger’s shower to odd days during droughts. I am so enamored by the sheer force of the water that I have taken to writing this month’s sports column while actually being in the shower. Excuse water splatter on the paper, and, hey, no looking. Berger’s elephant shower may be my biggest discovery since learning that you can reduce the fizz in a poured soft drink twice as fast by sticking your finger in it.
Business first. The latest softball power ratings are: (1) Pajcic & Pajcic (undefeated and as intense as ever as it looks to defend its title); (2) Akerman Senterfitt (could compete if it could ever field a complete team); (3) State Attorneys Walkers (plenty of talent and a collective discriminating eye at the plate that exceeds even Rickey Henderson’s); (4) Coffman Coleman Strikebreakers (a bunch of goons playing above their ability); Rogers Towers (83 lawyers, some talent, and can’t get the talent to the field).
As the season winds down, MVP candidates are moving to the forefront. Names that come to mind are D.R. Repass (Akerman), George Fallis, Clemente Inclan, Kurt Pajcic and Curry Pajcic (Pajcic), Tysen Duva and Rick Britton (Strikebreakers), Joby Birr (Hit & Run), State Attorneys’ Dan Skinner, Troy Smith (Rogers Towers), the other Troy Smith (Smith Hulsey), and lightning bolt newcomer Jackie Treehorn. Stats are great and all, but they only count for about 25 percent of the voting. Another 25 percent goes toward the individual’s contribution to the success of the team, and the remaining 50 percent is weighted toward whether the voting committee would want the candidate to come to their table for beers at the post-game watering hole. Using the criteria, the leaders in the clubhouse are the two Troy Smiths and Clemente Iclan.
Some legitimate players fell off the list. For instance, Mike Marino was dropped at the request of Pete Larsen when he declared the softball field unplayable two weeks ago and walked out on the team in a crucial game against Pajcic. We have always known that Marino was the de facto commissioner. Dan Bean was dropped because, as commissioner emeritus, all he can muster to say these days is, “When I was commissioner these sorts of mishaps did not occur.”
On another note, Holland & Knight needs to change its name to Holland At Night. I’m getting regular phone calls from Bean and Albert Chin to discuss matters from work at 10:30 in the evening. I asked George Gabel why the biggest law firm in town can only field five players for their team. His response was that the guys are all too busy working. Since Holland At Night has no time for softball, their status in the league is probationary. The Nighters can buy their way out, however. Bean advised me that, “We print money at Holland & Night.”
Let’s move on to more important things, like . . . I don’t know . . . maybe . . . letters to the Sports Desk. As you might expect, the amount of e-mails and letters that come into the commissioner’s office is about as staggering as Todd Johnson at a martini drinking contest, but we will get to the ones that we can.
Dear Rob
There has been a debate going on over here at Akerman Senterfitt about what is the greatest sports movie of all time. I say it was “The Natural,” and David Otero swears it was any one of the Sports Illustrated videos heralding the Chicago Bulls’ multiple championship seasons. Who wins this one?
— Ed Trent
Otero! Any media that are advertised on ESPN with a stated price, or, any media that are purchased by driving to Kingsland, Georgia, is immediately disqualified as not being a movie. Although I dig the way you do business, David! And, Eddie, I checked with some guys at Cal Tech, and they tell me it is impossible to replicate fireworks from the Bicentennial in Washington, D.C., by hitting a bank of stadium lights. My top four, in reverse order are:
(4) “Hoosiers”: Any movie that has Barbara Hershey with several high school boys already has enough undercurrent for a good movie. Add in the shocking depth of Dennis Hopper going way out of character to play a drunk, and that puts it in the top five.
(3) “Bull Durham”: Discussions about wedding gifts during a meeting at the pitcher’s mound. Enough said.
(2) “American Anthem”: Any movie with Mitch Gaylord in it makes the top five. Call me juvenile, but I just love saying the name Mitch Gaylord. Add in Mitch Gaylord playing a brooding gymnast in a “wife beater” T-shirt, and you make the top five. Had the filmmakers had the foresight to throw in used-up former Soviet gymnast Olga Korbut and it would have won an Oscar in a new category for “Best Movie using the combination Down On Their Luck Sports Heroes and Sexually Ambiguous Good Looking Men.”
(1) “The Big Lebowski”: I don’t care what anyone says, a movie that has bowling in it automatically becomes a sports movie. This is confirmed when The Dude (Jeff Bridges) tells a man who is paying him twenty grand to be the bag guy on a ransom payoff that he will not be able to fulfill his duties “if it’s during league play.” Plus, that movie allowed me to yell at other people who bump into me at parties, “There’s an adult beverage here, man!”
Dear Rob
I keep reading the column and there is nothing that reaches the female demographic. Can you feed the masses yearning for such issues?
— Sherri Worman
Funny you should ask. Roger Towers’ Troy Smith, Tod Eikner, Alan Wachs and I were just talking up women’s fashion. I’ll admit it, I am a fan. The biggest debate came over whether you could make a decision to date a woman based solely on her choice of purse. We all agreed that any girl with a Fendi (not a knock-off) is undateable based on outlandish taste. Wachs and I said we could potentially fall for a girl with a Burberry, while Smith and Eikner worried that a Burberry woman might be too uptight. It really came down to the debate between Coach and Kate Spade as the date of choice. Wachs and Eikner felt most comfortable with the smell and ergonomic correctness of Coach bags. Smith and I liked a little edge, and only Kate Spade can provide that with all of the exotic colors. We plan to get together soon to discuss the battle in evening gowns between Ungaro and Donatella Versace.
Dear Rob
Why do some firms get a lot of publicity in your columns and throughout the Daily Record, while some get no mention at all?
— Diane Gill
Glad you asked. With respect to the
sports column, all you have to do is
either: (1) do something idiotic in front
of me; (2) suck up to me and buy me adult beverages; or (3) show me that you have a good enough sense of humor to be ridiculed. I cannot tell you why Spohrer Wilner and Marks Gray get huge amounts of pub, but they clearly are Jim Bailey’s favorites. In fact, Bailey has ordered me to mention that Susan Haag went on a three-mile run at lunch earlier this week.