Ever since Better Tritt pulled a law league Houdini and has been harder to find than the Amelia Earhart wreckage, we have found that finding good information for columns is harder than locating Chris Karpinski’s Lil’ Kim poster collection in the attic of his mother’s house. We will find it one day, I tell you!
Seriously.
New co-commissioners Brendan Rager, Tysen Duva and I are sitting here doubled over in pain trying to come up with something. Anything. Not to rip off a book title line, but it’s like the Confederacy of Dunces around here. The most exciting thing we have come up with is that Duva’s dog, Wookie, got his name because it was the only thing alive and non-fictional that has more body hair than Duva. Don’t get us wrong, back hair is right up there with flatulence in the category of “when in doubt go for it” standbys when humor is needed, but surely we can do better than this. Deposed commissioner Dan Bean keeps coming in and chiming in with his sense of humor. But the hard-and-fast rule is if Bean thinks it’s funny, it must be lame.
After pretending to be animated characters in “Cool World” and buffeting each other about the head and body with Rager’s top-notch Callaway golf clubs, we decided that now was a good time to dispel and affirm law league softball rumors. After all, we are journalists and we either get to the truth or we make it up. Here goes:
Rumor: Better Tritt disbanded as a team this year.
Answer: True. Tritt dominated law league softball for four seasons without losing a game and completed its fifth undefeated season last season before suffering a meltdown against Bedell in the first round of the playoffs. Since that time, J. Richard Moore Jr. (the greatest pitcher in law league history), Russ Brown (the greatest flat-out illegal player in law league history), Tom Saitta was traded to Rogers Towers for a bat bag, and a bunch of Boyd Brothers retired. Arnold Tritt pulled his sponsorship and suddenly former skipper Joe Camerlengo is looking at the back of the telephone book for him and a few of his buddies to play. For those of you who don’t know, he found Harrell & Johnson.
Rumor: Devine has followed in the footsteps of Rod Smart and goes by the name “He Hate Me” on his jersey.
Answer: Also true. The list of Devine haters is long and distinguished. Please see Devine’s response by renting “Top Gun.”
Rumor: Pajcic & Pajcic may have to pull out of law league for lack of funding, since they have obviously gone to office sharing as a cost-cutting move.
Answer: I know this is absolutely false, and shame on anyone who thinks differently. It’s that phone book display advertisement with Gary and Steve Pajcic both working on separate desks in the same office. Who does this? I know Duva and I do this, but that’s for a totally different reason. We checked, and the Pajcic’s say they just like working together. So enough said about that.
Rumor: Dan Bean is actually a funny guy.
Answer: Nothing could be more false. As if to prove this beyond a scientific doubt, Dan Bean just walked in and wants us to recycle jokes that we have put in this column for the past three years. Dan thinks if it bombed the last time, it must now be in style. It was this sort of logic that caused the precipitous drop in his LSAT scores.
Rumor: The City has mandated softer balls and illegalized “double-wall” bats in an effort to slow down the game.
Answer: As if this were a problem in law league, but, yes, it is true. No teams can use double-wall bats. On the bright side, you can use the Sheena Easton “Sugar Walls” bat.
Rumor: Shawn Arnold of the State Attorneys Office retired his “sliding pants.”
Answer: True! We are all going to miss seeing a big man in tights. Several other players have taken on the baseball pants as a fashion statement. If you are thinking about wearing sliding pants, don’t. And if you are already wearing sliding pants, stop it. Wearing such gear is about as dorky as 58-year old manager Dusty Baker wearing sweatbands. Why does he have them?! He’s not going to pinch-hit or something!
Rumor: Rick Britton shaved his head after he saw the opening episode of “Who Wants to Marry My Dad” and saw that an older guy can have 25 women competing for him if he just goes Kojak.
Answer: False for two reasons: (1) Britton was taking a razor to his head when that show was a ridiculous pilot that nobody thought would ever be made; and (2) Yeah, the Ferrari and 25,000 square-foot home don’t do anything for the girls, it’s the chrome dome. Britton can roll out in his 1985 Caprice Classic that he bought from Ed McCarthy and his renovated One-Room School House home and do just as well. Right. One thing is true, Erik Berger’s shower can attract women. It’s true. You cannot make this stuff up!
Rumor: Skeet Ulrich has quit the movie business and is now playing first base for Florida Coastal.
Answer: Florida Coastal does have a Skeet look-alike out there but the rumor is not true. Actually, it’s not even close. We just all decided we like saying the name “Skeet Ulrich” several times using hyper-pronunciation. Fun fact: Skeet is short for his nickname of Skeeter. You get these fun facts and more by joining his fan club.
Rumor: The name “Sack-A-Suds” from “My Cousin Vinny” is the best nickname for a restaurant/convenience store in movie history.
Answer: We’re going with a false here. The “In-And-Out Burger” from “The Big Lebowski” was six, maybe, seven, percent better. Plus they used the name of a real franchise. Sack-A-Suds did not show up as a viable corporation to sue on the Camerlengo & Brockwell “Whom do we sue next” database.
We hope this helps. Brendan and I have to leave the room because Duva is now singing the female part in Nelly’s song, “It’s Getting Hot in Here.” It gets me every time he does that. The top five teams in the softball power ratings as we approach the all-star break are: (1) Pajcic, (2) Akerman, (3) Strikebreakers, (4) Rogers Towers and (5) Harrell &
Johnson.