We forget who it was, either Albert Einstein or Al Franken, who once said that when things reach critical mass, something is bound to happen. Such is the case with the commissionership of the Jacksonville Bar Law League. First it was co-commissioner Robert Devine who was gone, then Devine and co-commissioner Dan Bean, and then . . . well, you can figure it out.
June 15, 2001
After the untimely departure of Jason Sammis from the co-commissioner spot because he could not make the weight and failed his physical, Bean and Devine create an unholy alliance to share the commissioner duties for the sole purpose of gaining a competitive advantage for their respective teams in all sports.
June 16, 2001
The new commissionership plan is pitched to Young Lawyer’s Section Sports Board Chairman Bert Millis who rejects the idea. Bean and Devine engage in a secret mission to put unusually bad odors in the air ducts to Millis’ office. After three days, a tearful Millis consents to the change. Milton Leach’s Ted Bailey learns of the deal while in his office, and in a fit of anger, rips off his tie and storms out of the office.
May 21, 2002, 7:30 p.m.
Bean delivers a nomination speech at the Annual Bar Meeting that actually exceeded Richard Nixon’s “Checkers” speech in negative feedback. Bean’s performance is remarkably similar to the latest beer commercial where the two men are making jokes about each other’s mother, and the unfunny third person chimes in and nobody laughs. The unfunny man tries to recover by holding his hand up for a high-five and says “Up top!” (To make this column interactive, please feel free to shout “Up top!” at the end of each paragraph).
April 12, 2003
Co-Commissioner Devine appears to suffer a meltdown by being ejected for receiving two technical fouls in a basketball game. Upon leaving the court, Devine threatens the referee by telling him he is “through in this town!” Not wanting to be upstaged, Ted Bailey rips off his jersey in frustration and storms off the court. It is later revealed that Devine had a couple of vodka’s before tipoff. Bean suspends Devine for one game and orders him to end his diet consisting solely of Jenny Craig bars and extra doses of Ephedra.
April 13, 2003
After learning of his suspension, Devine tells Bean he is resigning. Bean, faced with drafting a column with his level of writing talent realizes he will be exposed as a fraud and exclaims he will step down as well.
May 15, 2003
In a surprise move, Devine pulls his resignation when he realizes that no one will care about him anymore and no one will print his articles. Bean, who has made his career as a professional “hanger on” decides to stay as well. Ted Bailey learns of the switch from his home and rips off his pajama top and storms out of his den.
May 22, 2003
Bean is caught in scandal when it’s revealed that Judge Schemer’s son is on his team and is not a legal player. Studies reveal that nine out of 14 teams in the Law League have at least one illegal player. Stung by the scandal, Bean declares Bob McAdoo ineligible even though he has been retired from the NBA for 17 years and does not play in the Law League. People begin to whisper about Bean’s stability and Devine’s ability to form coherent sentences.
May 29, 2003
Better Tritt defeats Smith Hulsey in the Law League Basketball Championships 50-42. After the game, Arnold Tritt pulls his sponsorship of all of his teams. Erik Berger is named MVP of the playoffs because he is so long and because he has the strongest shower in three counties at his house. (I’m telling you, Berger is renting out shower time and it’s worth every penny. His shower is so strong that I think it is illegal in 14 states). Tod Eikner receives an honorable mention. Not because he did anything great on the court but because he asked to get some mention. Ted Bailey, Cameron Story, Ernst Bell and Devine are hauled into court before Judge Emmett Ferguson, who has switched his chambers to the Starbucks on Riverside Avenue. Judge Ferguson orders all into Anger Management and orders a Venti flavored latte with cinnamon and vanilla. Upon learning the verdict, Bailey rips off his suit jacket and storms out of Starbucks.
May 30, 2003
The final blow comes for Bean when he starts channeling Jed Clampett and repeatedly exclaims, “Well, looky here!” when introducing key exhibits during federal trial. This was compounded by him pulling several people aside and telling them that Holland & Knight had hatched a plan for the annexation of the Balkan States. Fred Page gives Bean the following mandate: (a) quit as commissioner and enter the company Employee Assistance Program; or (b) be Baker Acted.
June 1, 2003
Joby Burr of Foley & Lardner is approached about taking over as commissioner, but rejects the offer because he is too busy washing his hair. Brendan Rager of Holland & Knight is offered the job as an alternative, but he instead takes a job as commissioner of the “under five-foot-eight” sports league because they play with eight-foot rims giving him the ability to pretend he is actually six-foot-six. Up Top!
June 2, 2003, 11:15 a.m.
Tysen Duva is approached about being the new co-king of sports if a coup-de-ta against Bean is successful. He replies, “if all I need is a leotard and a mask, then I think I can do it.” Duva stands tall by refusing the ritual head shaving.
June 5, 2003, 10:30 p.m.
After intense negotiations, Bean agrees to resign and Duva agrees to take over as the new co-commissioner, provided he is titled Sports and Hip-Hop Commissioner. The transfer of power is completed and the Lawrence Welk era of law league is officially over, to be replaced by the new “era of funk rivaled only by the days of Julius Erving, George Gervin, Run DMC and Vanilla Ice.” Duva immediately orders the Law League Hall of Fame pictures of Bean, Jep Barbour and Alan Pinkston to be replaced by autographed photos of Jay-Z, Nelly and Eminem. Ted Bailey learns of the pictures being replaced while watching a Suns game and rips off his Sammy Sosa corked bat commemorative jersey and storms out of the stadium. Up Top!
June 6, 2003, 1:30 p.m.
Duva is announced as the new co-commissioner during a press conference. Duva shows up in Hip-Hop “Dude Where’s My Car” style wearing an all red Adidas warmup suit with matching red visor worn upside down and says “we’re gonna party . . . like it’s your birthday!” Duva spoke of himself in the third-person the entire time. As part of his first act, Duva declares that Akerman Senterfitt’s David Otero will now only be known as “Fifty Cent . . . with change,” due to Otero’s penchant for rapping and his diminutive height. Duva further orders that Ted Bailey have his team jersey tattoed to his body to prevent further outbursts. Up Top!
Today
Ted Bailey reads this column, steps out of his pants, and storms out of the bathroom. Up Top!
Next month, we honor the retirement of J. Richard Moore from law league softball as the best pitcher in law league history.