You’re looking at a home you just listed and, well ... it’s lacking. You ask yourself: Why did I list this dog?
And: How do I get out of this mess?
Answer: A newspaper ad.
You can’t put this thing on your regular route, because your clients would drop you quicker than a Jaguar fan dropping the team after an 0-4 start.
So, you put an ad in the paper and hope someone will drive by and fall in love. Now, you know that’s as doubtful as a man driving by Roseanne and falling in love, but you’ll give it a try.
How do you write the ad? Just look at ads in the paper; they’re written by experts in this trade, and I think I’ve decoded the terms.
Here are words they use, followed by the real definition:
Original condition: A tear-down.
Location, location, location: Lousy house, good neighborhood.
Great curb appeal: Just painted the exterior.
Fifty years young: More paint.
Fixer-upper: Don’t expect to move in anytime soon.
Historical: Watch where you walk.
Exercise room: The Soloflex they couldn’t sell is in a back room.
Cozy: Small.
Charmer: Smaller.
Cute: Really small.
Cottage: Cozy, charming and ... small.
Step-saver kitchen: Very small.
Eat-in kitchen: A table will fit in it.
Cul-de-sac: Boondocks.
Country living: Way back in the boondocks.
Ready to move in: The previous owner did a good job of hiding the problems.
Hardwood floors: The roof leaks and the rain ruined the carpet.
New carpet: (see Hardwood floors.)
Walking distance to the beach: Ha! Ha! Didn’t say how far, did we?
Best kept secret: Other agents were ashamed they had listed it.
Enchanting: A ghost lives in the attic.
Resort-style living: The neighborhood fees are as high as a country club’s dues.
Fireplace: No insulation.
Side-entry garage: They didn’t fix the hole he made when he ran through the wall.
Fenced yard: It’s the neighbor’s fencing; they don’t want you in their yard.
Wet bar: There’s a leak in the back bathroom.
Screened porch: Lots of mosquitoes.
Overlooking pond: (See Screened porch.)
Great for students: No one else would live there.
Near bus line: Greyhound stops on the nearby highway.
One of a kind: The developer went bankrupt quickly.
Investment property: You wouldn’t live in it, but maybe you can find a sucker.
Split level: Part of the foundation settled.
Wooded lot: Lots of pine needles to rake up.
Nature views: Snakes.
On beautiful creek: (See Nature views.)
Parade of Homes winner: What year?
New neighborhood: Only the homeless used to live downtown; now they can be your neighbors.
Water garden: Lousy drainage.
Near safe schools: Police in every hall.
— Fred Seely is the editor of Realty/Builder Connection.