I am sitting here taking in the NFL playoffs, bracing myself for the deepening gloom that once the NFL finishes its season, there will be nothing to watch until August.
After that, I may be relegated to watching Superstation’s attempt at G-rated versions of movies that barely, barely made it into the “R” category. Take “Boogie Nights,” for instance. Cut the inappropriate scenes out of that, and it becomes a 30-minute sitcom.
But I might watch it just to see Heather Graham play the role of Roller Girl, which warranted some sort of Oscar consideration. It ain’t easy playing a hooker-like groupie with an IQ dangerously south of 100. Sadly, Graham has not done anything since “Boogie Nights” worth watching. Admittedly, she was great in that movie, and even better in “Swingers.” It was a career worth following. And then, phhht!, nothing. Vanishing like a white hot flame in a string of bad movies.
I am sure you guys are waiting to hear from Dan Bean. Keep waiting. I have just learned that Dan has decided to take an “advisory and consulting” role in the columns. I think that means he will add a sentence or two and then spend the rest of his time playing Monday morning quarterback when someone from the Bar, the PTA or a political action committee lodges a complaint against something in the column.
But back to my original premise. Once football is done, I am going to have subsist on reality TV and the NBA playoffs. I am seriously thinking that The Jacksonville Bar Association should have its own reality-based visual voyeurism. I’m just spitballing here, but I am thinking about something like, I don’t know, maybe a JBA version of “Joe Millionaire.” We could call it “Joe Barrister.”
I would propose we go with Troy Smith (Rogers Towers version), Troy Smith (Smith Hulsey version), T.J. Fraser or Erik Berger. I propose that we recreate the golden moment in television when the late Chris Farley competed against Patrick Swayze to be the next Chippendale’s dancer. JBA fundraising will go through the roof as people line up to pay to see the Smiths, Fraser and Berger gyrating to become the next Joe Barrister. The trick will be able to find 20 women in the area that are willing to participate in such a farce. I would love to say I could get 20 volunteers from this column, but I think we all know that there is no way that 20 women read this column.
What does this have to do with law league sports? I have no idea. The only rationale connection is that the law league is starting its football playoffs. Better Tritt won the regular season title and earned a first round bye in the playoffs. The State Attorneys finished second, and received a bye as well.
Despite the extra time off, the State Attorneys, through Doug “the Dork” Dorsey (he’s not really a dork, per se, just channeling Chevy Chase as “Fletch), have been feverishly working the phones like a draft day trade trying to ensure that they are scheduled for times when quarterback Brian Wright is in town from flying the friendly but bankrupt skies as an airline pilot.
One thing is for sure: Wright has seen a bunch of bad Heather Graham movies passed off as “in-flight entertainment” ever since airlines have tried to cut costs.
Also in the playoffs are: (1) Akerman Senterfitt, who is having trouble notifying player Mike Marino at his job because his company adopted some bizarre big brother policy of rejecting e-mails deemed “inappropriate” under a standard that anything that cannot be shown on the Disney Channel cannot be written in e-mail; (2) Medical Scrubs, which is Art Hernandez’ farce of a collection of doctors. Art, optometrists are not doctors. Chiropractors are not doctors. And I’m pretty sure that twentysomething blonde dental hygienist, while adding much to the atmosphere, is not a doctor; (3) Pajcic & Pajcic, whom I cannot say anything about ever since the restraining order and threat of litigation stemming from softball columns; and (4) Florida Coastal, who have collectively done nothing in law league to warrant a job interview.
I haven’t seen any trash talking, so I’ll start some on my own. Go ahead and engrave the trophy for Better Tritt. Nobody touched them during the season and no one will do it in the playoffs. Tritt got old and jettisoned the dead weight (Dan Bean) and added young talent such as Tysen Duva and Rick Britton. The only teams that have a puncher’s chance are Akerman Senterfitt and FCSL.
The problem with Akerman is that Tritt is better than anyone at picking apart the zone defense and they make Akerman quarterback Greg Prince throw it up for grabs like a bouquet at a wedding involving a dozen thirtysomething bridesmaids. FCSL has the talent and speed, but never has a game plan. If they handle the bar exam like they do law league football, then the examiners will be getting a handful of Christmas-tree’d multiple choice score sheets and more double talk on the written portion of the exam than a presidential press conference.
Probably the only real point of interest will be the betting on the time in each game that we will all be subjected to Rick Britton standing around shortless in his jock strap. It never fails. Every game, Britton gets his shorts ripped off and we have a moment that should really be reserved for the locker room at the YMCA.
How does this happen every time? It’s uncanny! It’s a terrible, horrible moment for all on the field (except for maybe the dental hygienist) but, you still look on with morbid fascination, like stopping to rubber neck a car accident. Is it his shorts? Is there a bounty by the other team that offers a six-pack for the first one to “pants” Britton? Is there some David Copperfield-like magic where Joe Camerlengo has a remote “Britton Spontaneously Drop Trough” device that he hits at key moments to stun the other team?
Just when you thought you could not take any more excitement out of your law league, the league just keeps on giving. That’s right. After protracted negotiations, the law league brings to you the Toilet Bowl, a tilt between Smith Hulsey and McGuire Woods, two of the worst teams to ever grace the gridiron. Smith Hulsey set the unbreakable record of being shut out in every game it played but one. And McGuire Woods runs their offense so that three receivers run routes within a five square foot area. Imagine the surprise of the zone defender knowing that he can cover three receivers at the same time without moving. What a bonus!
Can everyone tell by now that the last thing I want to write about in the JBA sports column is JBA sports? It really just gets in the way of my random and seemingly acid flashback-like thoughts. If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my morning Lithium dosage.