Yes, I stole that line. I didn't see a copyright attached to it. By the end of the article you'll see why I won't use it again anyway. It occurred to me that lawyers probably know more useless, but humorous, information than anyone. Why don't we harness some of that useless information and turn it into...well, more useless information. Let me give you an example. Has anyone cited section 767.02 lately? In case the text of that one is right at the tip of your tongue, but temporarily eluding recognition, let me refresh your recollection. 767.02. Sheep-killing dogs not to roam about. “It is unlawful for any dog known to have killed sheep to roam about over the country unattended by a keeper. Any such dog found roaming over the country unattended shall be deemed a run-about dog, and it is lawful to kill such dog.” This one statute offers loads of fun, just for the asking. I wonder how many such dogs out there today are known sheep killers? Who has to know that the dog killed a sheep? The sheep? Or, is it ok if just the dog knows? When have you last been called a “run-about dog?” In case it hasn't been lately, consider yourself accused.
There is lots of humor in case law too. I mean more than just someone using the French pronunciation of Daubert. Has anyone else out there ever read Productos Carnic v. Central American Beef & Seafood Trading Co., 621 F.2d 683 (5th Cir. 1980)? If deciding what to do with 862,000 pounds of frozen boneless meat doesn't inspire humor I don't know what would. The decision doesn't disappoint us. The opinion is divided into the following headings: No Bones About It, Appellant's Beef, What's At Steak, and Ground for Modification. Or did you read the one where the judge chastises the lawyers for submitting pleadings in crayon? If you know of any great cases let me know.
Ah, but it's amazing how the times are a changing. Words and customs have a way of disappearing, changing, and then coming back all over again. Ever heard anyone use the term “permanent wave” in the last 20 years? Remember styrofoam hamburger boxes at McDonald’s? it's true, lately folks I have been spotted with a Big Mac on my breath, stumbling in to a Colonel Sanders with a face as white as death. Running off at the typewriter? Does anyone even own a typewriter anymore? Can you still buy them? And, if so what would you use them for? Things come back around. Here’s proof. Consider the progression: album, 8 track, cassette, CD. Round, square, square, round. Get it?
Just in the off chance that it has crept into your mind that this column is nothing more than a space filler, there may be a hint of truth to that. Consider it the “Jared in Reverse” approach. Certainly you've seen those Subway commercials... They're still getting mileage out of that guy. I fear that my attempt at coining a phrase will be severely limited to a very narrow time frame. Kind of like the term “E-ticket ride.” That died real quick after Disney went ticketless. Of course, I don't have any reason to believe that a “Jared in Reverse” approaches the ingenuity of comparing something to an E-ticket ride. Ah, but I digress again...
This article is nothing more, but certainly far less, than my feeble attempt to inject a bit of humor in your brief day. If you have read a humorous story or court opinion that you think others would enjoy, drop me a line at [email protected].
Yours in the law,
Kelly B. Mathis