The answer was as simple as it was unforgettable: “That would be like trying to put an ocean in a bottle.”
The question prompting the remarkable response? “Will you please tell the court what this adoption means to you?”
Such are the only family law proceedings where the tears shed are born of a patient joy. A seemingly endless wait is over. A dream is realized. What was without is now complete.
Though adoptions come in many varieties, the ones I speak of here are the ones you’re thinking of: an infant put up by a birth mother, taken in by a forever parent or parents. Children once lost who are found.
The differences between these adoptions and other family law cases are unavoidable. In adoption cases, no one cares about the money involved. The past isn’t used for leverage, it’s forgotten. Nothing is measured. Everyone wants to sleep under the same roof. The court date becomes an anniversary.
Everyone wins and almost always, a child’s future is saved.
At the final hearing of such an adoption, friends and family come to share and celebrate rather than to support and defend. Judges are asked for photographs, not flashed disapproving looks. The court proceedings end too soon. Everyone leaves the proceeding smiling.
Everything the petitioners have waited for, prayed for and experienced finally becomes official. The months of paperwork, interviews and mandatory background checks are left behind. The significant money spent matters not. The guests of honor can’t yet speak and often wear bows.
Families are created, not destroyed. There is an appreciation for this social institution not seen in other family law cases. Petitioners in adoption cases view parenting as a privilege, not a right.
Adoption proceedings are also an oasis for family law judges. After spending nearly all of their time sorting through the wreckage of downed families, judges get the opportunity to launch one.
Judges see family members who are so grateful for every other member. Families that can’t imagine falling apart. Families where children are elevated, honored and remembered.
Adoptions also restore in family law judges faith in the concept of families. The petitioners in adoption cases would give almost anything for the same things that many parents take for granted. It’s as apparent to judges as a cloudless sunrise. Judges get to see the best of what parents have to offer.
Ironically, adoption proceedings are hypertechnical. I’s and t’s that need to be dotted and crossed are everywhere. Even the subsections of the relevant statutory provisions have subsections. Most judges who handle adoptions have a heavily tabbed, well-worn copy of Chapter 63 within ready reach.
Histories and timing play significant roles. Courts are well informed about the prospective parents. Studies are done before unions are created. Nothing is rushed. Periods of patience and learning are mandated by law.
In some ways, adoptions make family law judges better at handling divorces and paternity cases. Adoptions remind judges of what families can be. The way children should be regarded. The way two people responsible for a child should treat each other. The way caring builds self-esteem in a child.
The answers to that foundational question are priceless. Love becomes language. Unexpected streaks run down faces. Parents pause so that they can speak. A reminder that the best responses are not written or rehearsed.
That’s why family law judges long for the ocean.